The Line: A Tale of the Afterlife
by Xiana Asuka
Summary: After death, there are no rules. You are surrounded by those who were your closest friends and enemies in life, all of whom seem willing to support you. This, of course, is why Yagami Raito planned on taking over the world. Again. [Postseries CRACK!]
1. Prologue: Raye

Xiana: Well, I know I shouldn't just keep starting new stories, and you guys are probably sick of me by now, but today, I would like to submit for your viewing pleasure, one crack-tastic Death Note fanfic. It has recently come to my attention that this fandom is _severely lacking_ in crack, and while that should be fairly obvious given the subject material of the original work, the fact remains that that just doesn't roll right with me. And so, by merit of having started this story before actually finishing the series, I present to you:

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The Line: A Tale of the Afterlife

* * *

_Prologue: We Begin Walking in an Arbitrary Direction_

Raye Penber was dead. He wasn't in heaven. He wasn't in hell, either. He was in between, in the land that was called "The Line." The reason for this was simple: he had killed other humans by writing their names into the Death Note of a Shinigami. Unfortunately, he did not know this, and so he wandered the grey void bemoaning his fate. There were very few residents of this realm. They all seemed to know why they were there, but Raye was always afraid to ask any of them. They all had the exact same look in their eyes. It was a frightening look.

Soon, he gave up on his quest and simply sat down on the grey clouds that made up the ground, and gazed up at the grey clouds that were the sky. People were the only blots of color, and they came few and far between. Days passed, presumably, and days turned to months. He wondered what had become of his fiancée, Naomi. He wondered if Kira had ever been caught.

A man walked up to him one day, long after his death. "Hey, you, where are we?" Raye had to pause and recall how to properly use his vocal cords before responding.

"I… I don't really know. All I know is that I'm dead. I think that Kira killed me."

"Really? Hm… I don't remember killing a 'Raye Penber.'"

"Wh-what? You know my name? And what do you mean kill me? You mean that you're Kira?"

"I was. I was only the third Kira though, so it might have been one of the others that got you."

"You mean that… there was more than one Kira? But… how? Did the police ever catch the others? Did L?"

"Well, there were two Kiras before me, and they were never caught. They might have started Kira-ing again after I left. And as to the how… don't ask me. The name's Higuchi. Let's find a way out of this place, all right?"

"Oh… All right…" Raye was rather apprehensive about working with a criminal, especially Kira, even if this Kira hadn't specifically killed him. "Uh… what are we going to do if we do get out of this place?"

"Seek revenge, check up on our family and friends…" Higuchi shrugged. "Whatever we can do, I guess. Anything's better than just staying here forever."

Raye nodded and stood. They began walking in an arbitrary direction, just to see what would happen.

_//--Two-Weeks-Later--//_

"Higuchi, we're lost."

"What are you talking about, Penber? I know exactly where we are."

"No, Higuchi, I'm afraid you don't. Remember, we passed that Russian guy with the furry hat two days ago! And two days before that! And two days before that! And-"

"All right, all right, next time we come to him, we'll ask for directions. You nag like the wife I never had… Oh, Amane Misa… how I loved you…"

"Amane Misa? Wasn't she a model, or something?" Raye was curious. This was the first time Higuchi had mentioned a woman.

"Only the best and most beautiful model in Japan!"

"She was also the second Kira," a new voice claimed. It belonged to a man who appeared to be in his mid-20s and was wearing a creased white shirt and baggy blue jeans. "Good to see you again, Higuchi, Raye-san."

"Who are you? Why do you know who we are? And… do you know anything about where we are?" Raye asked politely.

"I think they call it The Line. It divides 'up there' from 'down there,' I guess," he said. Noticing their confused looks, he explained, "Heaven and hell, respectively. As for your first question, I used to be the great detective L. Please ignore the name that you see with your Shinigami eyes, Higuchi. You can call me Ryuuzaki instead, if you wish."

"So, you were the one who caught me, then?" Higuchi asked casually. "Why'd I die?"

"I think that Kira –the first Kira– killed you. I think he killed me too. Also you, Raye-san," L said, nodding to Raye.

"So it was Yagami Raito?" Raye gasped.

"Yes, I also came to that conclusion. Unfortunately, he won. I only hope that my successors were able to defeat him."

"Well, L, do you want to join us on our quest to escape this Line or whatever?" Higuchi offered. Normally he wouldn't ask the guy who discovered him and indirectly caused his death earlier, but, well, he was bored, and probably L was at least a bit more interesting than Raye… right? He could always hope so, anyway.

"Oh, I would love to join forces with Kira and a random FBI agent and find a way out of a dimension of shadowy clouds and assorted Kiras from the past!" L exclaimed, as if he had been waiting for just such an offer. And so, they set off on their grand journey.

_//--Five-Years,-Two-Months,-Three-Weeks,-And-Two-Days-Later--//_

"Higuchi, we're lost."

"What are you talking about, Penber? I know exactly where we are."

"No, Higuchi, I'm afraid you don't. Remember, we passed that Russian guy with the furry hat two days ago!"

"And two days before that… And two days before that…" L muttered.

"All right, all right, next time we come to him we'll ask him for directions."

"That's what you said two days ago!"

"And two days before that… and two days before that…"

* * *

Xiana: All right, that was the prologue… if you didn't know which I hope you would since it kind of says that at the top in nice italic-y letters. Now before you go all screamy WTF on me, let me just say: "The human who uses this note can go neither to heaven nor hell." And back in the day before volume 12 came out, I was sort of stupid and thought that "Oh, haha, well then there must be something in between, right?" And so I told this story to my sister, and she said, "You should write it down, it's flippin' hilarious!" And so I started writing. Unfortunately, what was a 30-minute story translates into what is probably going to be more than 20 chapters long, because I have to fill in plot holes and add new characters, and mostly because I get really distracted by random banter. Especially Matt & Mello and L & Raito. So it's going to be epic. 

Next chapter: Raito and co. appear, previous wrongs are righted (no pun intended), and kisses are given freely.


	2. Chapter 1: We Enter An RPG

Xiana: This is the real first chapter. Many things will be cleared up, hopefully. Now for somethings I don't really want to do…

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, Final Fantasy, or Monster Dungeon, if such a thing actually exists which I honestly don't think it does. I don't own anything else that I may inadvertently mention, except for Igor. I made him. He is mine. If you steal him, I will cyber-stab you. Unless you have permission.

Spoilers: For the entire series, though you probably know that already since everyone in this story is dead.

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_Chapter 1: In Which the State of Death is Highly Questioned and We Enter an RPG._

"_All right, all right, next time we come to him we'll ask him for directions."_

"_That's what you said two days ago!"_

"_And two days before that… and two days before that…"_

"Well, do you want to ask him, or do I have to do everything on my own around here?"

"And we had the same argument two days before that and two days before that!" L said loudly, finally giving up on the two. "We've been doing this same thing for a very long time! You people haven't even noticed that striped kid who has been following us for a while now!" He gestured to a boy with goggles and a black and white striped shirt. He was also wearing pants, of course, but they were fairly non-descript and so were not described. The narrator would like to inform you that you should feel free to assume that if an article of clothing that a character would usually wear is not described, it is because it adds nothing to the definition of who the character is, and the character is probably wearing it. Of course, fangirls and fanboys(?) may feel free to disregard this rule and assume that if a character's attire is not described, they are simply not wearing any clothes.

"Can we get back to the plot now?" Matt asked, lounging beside the Russian man and smoking a cigarette that he had found somewhere.

The narrator says yes. She would also like to ask that Matt please not break the fourth wall in the future.

"Anyway…" a rather annoyed L continued, "maybe we should go see what he wants? Or something, anything different?"

Just then, a boy with blonde, feminine-looking hair and dressed all in black leather, appeared in the center of the group.

"…Mello!" L exclaimed.

"…L!" Mello exclaimed.

"…Igor Stravinski!" the Russian man exclaimed, causing Matt to raise an eyebrow and back away a foot or two.

"Er, Mello, what are you doing here?" L asked, getting back to a more productive topic.

"Isn't it obvious? I died! Stupid Kira… Stupid Near…" Mello grumbled.

"Well, you were finally the first in something," L reassured him. "You were the first to die."

"Oh, yeah, that's something to be proud of… But you died before me, so I'm second again!"

"Actually, you're third. I was second to die," Matt commented, strolling up and joining the group.

"Go to hell, Matt!" Mello yelled.

"Er, actually, I can't. I'm stuck here in this Line with the rest of you." There was a moment of silence as everyone paused to consider this.

"Anyway…" a frustrated L continued, "we should… just split into two groups and one group can take a new path. It'll be me, Matt, and Mello, and the other group will be Penber-san and Higuchi. Let's meet back up at the Russian guy in two days."

"My name is Igor Stravinski!" the fur-capped man yelled at the figures disappearing into the distance. Sadly, nobody heard him.

_//--Two-Days-Later--//_

"Well, we're back… again…" Raye commented. They were approaching Igor, and to their left, L, Mello, and Matt were coming into view, along with a fourth person.

"Hullo, my name's Watari," the older man stated in a British accent once the groups met up.

"We met him when we were walking this way. Apparently, he's been walking this circle for as long as we have, only going counterclockwise in a horizontal manner, as opposed to our going clockwise vertically. He was also a day ahead of us, so we never ran into him. Of course… if you two had listened to me 2, 3 years ago, you would have saved us a lot of boredom," L informed them a bit testily.

Raye and Higuchi looked at each other and shrugged. "Oh well."

"We found someone too," Raye exclaimed, and a new figure stepped forward. Many people were excited because they liked girls and didn't get to see them that often. Mello was excited because it meant that he could finally get revenge.

"Takada! I kill you now, bitch!" he yelled, and attempted to kill her, or so it would seem. For some reason, he didn't feel like using his gun to shoot her, so instead he just charged her from his position 10 meters away, giving her ample time to step aside.

She stepped aside. Mello ran into Raye instead.

Tossing her black hair over her shoulder casually yet professionally, Takada introduced herself to the members of the group that did not already know her/want to kill her. Afterwards, Mello, who had become temporarily amnesic regarding Takada, disentangled himself from Raye and began to speak. "This world is so small," he complained. "We haven't seen any other people at all!"

"Really?" Raye asked. "There used to be many people here. They were like Kiras of the past. Of course, they weren't as bad as Raito…"

"No one's as _bad_ as Raito…" Takada sighed longingly. Everyone else, especially Higuchi, ignored this remark.

"Well, _we_ didn't see anyone," Mello snapped.

"Don't mind him," Matt said apologetically, "he's just going through withdrawal."

"What the hell are you on about?"

"First of all, it would be 'What the Line,' and I'm talking about the fact that you haven't had any chocolate in 48 hours," Matt explained.

L groaned. "Did you really have to tell him that?"

"You… you're right… No… no chocolate…" Mello began to twitch uncomfortably. "How did I survive this long without it?"

"Well, you don't need to eat in this place," Raye said cheerfully, "so you'll be fine! I haven't eaten in nearly six years!"

"No! That's not the point!" Mello jumped over to Raye and began shaking him angrily. "I _need_ chocolate! How could I survive without it?"

"Well, it's not as if you can die here…" Matt said.

"Shut up, Matt! You're lucky! You've got cigarettes and a Game Boy! Your addictions are fully compensated for!"

"True enough. I'm not actually addicted, though, and I think that you should know that. For a while, I didn't have anything, but then I found these things at a desert oasis. Although unfortunately, I already beat all of these games. And I could stop smoking if I wanted. I just do it for fun and recreation now."

"Fun! Killing yourself is fun?"

"Better than being killed by Kira," Matt said, not batting an eyelash. "Besides… it makes me look badass."

"Oh, I'll make your ass look bad!"

"Is that a threat?" Matt raised an eyebrow.

"No… it's a promise!" Mello let go of Raye and tackled Matt to the ground.

"Er, I hate to break up this entertaining fight," Higuchi started, "but it doesn't matter if he smokes."

"What are you talking about, you failure of an ex-Kira!?"

"Well, we're all sort of… dead. So it's not like he'll get lung cancer or anything. And the second-hand smoke won't hurt any of us. Here, nothing can hurt you. Well, it can hurt you, but it heals quickly," Higuchi explained. He took a penknife out of his pocket and suddenly stabbed Raye, who screamed. He displayed the squirming agent's wound to the curious crowd. A few drops of blood leaked out, but then it scabbed over and healed right before their eyes.

"Oooooohh…" everyone said appreciatively, except for Raye, who was still whimpering.

Higuchi bowed. "Thank you, thank you, you've been a wonderful audience."

Everything went silent after that. Eventually L spoke up again. "Wait, Matt, what's this oasis place you mentioned?"

"Eh, it's just a place. It's about a day's walk from here."

"Really?" Raye asked skeptically. " 'Cuz I've been walking this path for years, but I've never seen an oasis."

"Well, obviously," Matt scoffed. "Whenever you walk along this path, you align yourself with Igor and begin walking north. What you should really do is go south. It's like in the original Legend of Zelda! The screen will just keep repeating itself unless you find the only way out, which just so happens to be south in this case."

"Ohhhhhh."

"Shall we?" Higuchi asked. "We'll probably find _something _there. It'll relieve the monotony, probably."

"Will there be chocolate there!?!" Mello's eyes were wide and psychotic, just like Raito's were during a maniacal laugh of his.

Everyone shrank back in fear, except for L, who wasn't very easily disturbed, and Matt, who was used to it. "Yes, Mello, there will be chocolate there, I'm sure."

"Really?" Suddenly Mello's eyes sparkled, becoming big and watery.

"Really."

"LYKEOMGWTFROTFLMFAOLOLJKL8R!!!!111!!" Mello screamed incoherently before running off in a southerly direction.

_//--One-Day-Later--//_

"So, d'you find any chocolate, Mello?" Raye asked cheerfully as the group approached the boy sitting in the sand.

"…" Mello's only response was to pull a gun out of his pants (!) and point it at Raye. Raye backed up slowly and then hid behind Watari. Mello shot anyway. After an entertaining hour or two of surgery, L learned that he would have made an amazing brain surgeon and Raye learned that having a bullet lodged in your forehead is very uncomfortable.

"To answer your question, Raye," Mello sneered, "I found no chocolate."

Matt walked up to the water. "Look, a treasure chest!" He opened it. "Ooh, look! Monster Dungeon XXVII!" He jammed the cartridge into his Game Boy and started playing. Everyone else followed him, and opened treasure chests of their own.

"When did this turn into an RPG?" L asked, a bit confused.

"Well, it was probably around the time I joined the party," Watari said.

"Look! 5 Phoenix Downs!"

_//--A-Few-Hours-Later--//_

"So it would appear that a new treasure chest floats in every 25 minutes," L deduced.

"But where the Line are they coming from?" Mello, who was getting used to swearing in this new reality, asked.

"It would seem that they appear from nowhere, containing items that can only be claimed by the PCs, or Player Characters," Matt explained. "By the logic of video games, it makes perfect sense."

"Sigh," everyone else sighed.

"So, Takada, how is Raito-kun doing?" L asked conversationally. "So he's God now, is he?"

"Not yet, unfortunately. There's this other guy who's hunting him down, so things are starting to look bad for Kami-sama. I'm sure that he'll win in the end, though."

_//--A-Few-Seconds-Later--//_

"Oh, Raito-kun, it's nice to see you again."

"Shut up, Ryuuzaki. I killed you first."

"So why'd you die in the first place?"

"Well, if you have to know, I got killed by a shinigami. But I got shot first."

"Oh, so it was Near that killed you?"

"Not… exactly. He caught me, though."

"So… your father? That would be quite ironic."

"No, he's dead too. Everyone else screwed me up! It wasn't fair!"

"And the way you killed the rest of us _was_ fair, Raito-who-had-godly-powers-kun?"

"Shut up! Stupid Near cheated, that damn Mikami screwed up, and fucking Matsuda shot me, dammit!"

L began to laugh. And he laughed, and laughed. "So basically, you're saying that M-Matsuda… was the one who killed Kira…"

"It's not that funny!" Raito yelled.

"Actually it is! Hahah… Matsu… He was the… most useless of us all… to think that… he would kill Raito-kun… that he would kill Kira-hahahahahahahaha!"

"No, it really isn't funny! And it wasn't funny! And it wasn't even him! Don't you get it? I'm dead!" This was what set everyone else off, except for Matt, who was focused on Monster Dungeon XXVII, and only joined in halfheartedly.

"Y-you're dead…"

"That's rich, coming from the boy who killed all of us."

"So in the end, you lost too."

Raito had never taken criticism well, and he didn't appreciated being laughed at. He tried to remain calm, but it didn't work very well, and soon he was sprinting over to L and attempting to punch him.

Raito and L fought for 10 days straight, simply because they could, and hadn't for so long. The only reason that they stopped after only 10 days was that Raito finally went for his ultimate move… that, and everyone else was bored. ("Come off it, Raye! I spent FIVE YEARS walking around in circles with you! Give me two weeks, whydoncha?")

"Ultimate Raito Super Attack!" Raito yelled.

L quickly countered with a kick, and Raito went down hard. After a few seconds, he got back up. He glared at L for a moment, but started inexplicably smiling, and grabbed L to hug him tightly. "Ryuuzaki, I missed you so much…"

L slowly reciprocated the gesture. "Oh… Uh… me… too?"

"You have no idea how boring it is trying to take over the world without a rival, or anything, to entertain you! You're so smart, Ryuuzaki-chan, and without you around, there was never anything to do! Five years of utter boredom! Can you imagine how hard it was?"

"Er, yes, I belive I can. I spent those five years with Higuchi and Raye. It wasn't fun for me either."

"Oh, Ryuuzaki… I'm sorry I killed you…" Raito released L from his embrace to stare deeply into his black eyes. "I hope that someday I'll be able to make it up to you…"

A mysterious figure appeared in the background, but nobody noticed because they were too focused on the potentially romantical scene, or, in Matt's case, his new video game.

"Er… Yagami-san… it's okay… We just had different ideas about justice, you know… And in the end, you really had no other choice but to kill me…" L said slowly, blushing slightly under Raito's intense, heartfelt gaze.

"No, it wasn't okay. I should have just turned myself in to you." Raito clasped L's hands tightly. "But I killed you, or had Rem kill you, rather. I only hope that this will make up for it." Then he leaned over and kissed L.

Everyone was either horribly shocked (Higuchi, Raye, Takada, and Mikami, who also happened to be the mysterious figure that had recently walked up, him having just recently died and all) or amused (Mello and Watari). Matt, of course, was still playing Monster Dungeon XXVII and could not be bothered to pay attention.

"K… K-Kami-sama… y-you're gay?" Mikami spluttered.

"Hm? No… That was just a friendly kiss of apology. What are you thinking?" Raito was honestly confused by Mikami's reaction, though it might have made more sense if he had been confused by the fact that Mikami was there in the first place.

"Yes, I would say that that kiss was definitely a friendly, non-romantic one," L agreed.

"B-but y-you… L… Kami-samaaaaaaa!"

"No, look, I'll prove it to you." Raito crossed from L to Mikami and pulled the older man's face towards his. "See, it was something like this…" As soon as Raito's lips touched his, Mikami's nose exploded with a sudden burst of blood, and he fell to the ground in a dead faint.

"Um… I don't think that reaction was really called for..." Raito said distastefully, backing away from Mikami's prone form and wiping the blood off his face. "It really isn't that strange to kiss another boy, is it, you guys? Especially if it's just friendly?"

"I'd say there's nothing wrong with it," L agreed.

"I would call it perfectly normal," Watari added.

"Yep, I'm always kissing Mello in a completely normal, non-homoerotic way, right, Mello?" Matt chimed in, not looking up from his entrancing game.

"Yeah! Wait, what? What are you talking about!" Mello yelled.

"Aww, just when you were sleeping. You look so cute when you're sleeping, like a baby, or a little dolly, or something," Matt soothed.

"Why the Line were you watching me sleep? And why were you… kissing me, perv?"

"Well, you know how basically me, you, and Near are all like L, only with different traits? Near is unemotional, he sits in a weird position, and he doesn't like to dress up for any occasion. You are the emotional side of L, and you had the whole sweets/chocolate addiction too, you know. Me, I'm maybe what you'd call the technologically inclined side, or perhaps just the 'badass L.' And what I got was the insomnia." Matt took off his goggles to reveal dark semi-circles under his eyes, much like L's. "Also I don't like socks much," he added as an afterthought.

There was silence for a moment, and Matt slipped his goggles back on. "…Oh… A lot of things… suddenly make sense to me…" Mello finally stuttered.

More silence.

"…Something this kid said just reminded me… Where's your chocolate, Mello? In the short amount of time I 'knew' you, you always had it with you."

Mello started twitching again. "There. Is. No. Chocolate. In. This. Fucking. Dimension."

"Oh… Really? So what are you doing then, Ryuuzaki? Don't you always have to have sweets or you'll, like, die?"

"We're already dead, Rai- WAIT! You have a point! Aaaaaaahhh! What have I been doing? No sugar for years!" L began running around in circles, sort of like a chicken whose head has been chopped off but is still living for some reason.

"And I still haven't had any chocolate, and I'm more dependent on it than L is!" Mello started hyperventilating.

"Hey, look, another treasure chest," Matt noted conveniently. He strolled lazily over to it. "Hrm, looks like… Awww, nothing cool. It's only a five pound Hershey's bar."

"Chocolate!!!" L and Mello screamed. The more pragmatic people, who were feeling a little ignored, wondered how the huge piece of chocolate had managed to fit in the tiny chest.

"So…" Raye commented to Higuchi, as L and Mello began dueling to the death, "it might just be me, but I liked it better when it was just the two of us walking around for all eternity."

"Yeah, I got a bit more recognition then."

Eventually, everyone decided that Mello and L should just split the chocolate bar in half. ("Brilliant!") Matt finished his game, and was pleasantly surprised when the next box to wash up on shore contained Monster Dungeon XXVIII. Mikami woke up, cleaned up, and apologized profusely to Kami-sama and others.

Soon introductions had to be made to everyone who didn't know each other, and the general consensus was that perhaps they should have done this before.

"All right, what we're going to do is tell our names, who killed us, and something interesting about ourselves. I'll start. My name is L."

* * *

Xiana: So that was the first actual chapter. What did you think? Any questions so far? Understand the basic premise of the story? Wondering why everyone is where they are? Wondering how I'm going to kill off Near and co.? And how about that Matt kid, eh? I'll try and get the next chapter up soon. It's going to be a little bit shorter, so I hope that's fine. If it's not okay, I really can't do anything about it, and I don't care. 

Reviews would be mucho appreciated.

Next: L introduces, Matt continues to break the fourth wall, and Mikami fails at life.


	3. Chapter 2: Topics Are Gotten Off Of

Xiana: Hello! I'm back with another chapter of this odd but lovely creation of mine. I hope you will enjoy it as much as you seemed to enjoy the last chapter… (Smile) I didn't expect such a positive reaction to this story, really. I've replied to all your reviews and everything, so I hope you will continue to support me throughout.

Important Note: So, Death Note's going to be on Adult Swim, you know? This Saturday. Be there. We'll see just how bad the dub is. Together. It'll be sweet. Does this mean that it'll be more mainstream and we'll get more bad fanfiction in this section? Hmmm...

Disclaimer: I do not own a fishie, nor do I own Death Note. But which one is the real tragedy? Strangely enough, fish do not come up in this chapter at all.

* * *

_Chapter 2: In Which Characters are Introduced and Topics are Gotten Off Of._

"_All right, what we're going to do is tell our names, who killed us, and something interesting about ourselves. I'll start. My name is L."_

"Yay!" everyone cheered.

"Raito killed me. Sort of. And something interesting about me is that, although I am very good at tennis, I was once a professional volleyball player."

"Really?" Raito asked interestedly. "You should have told me that! I was the Japanese national junior volleyball champ! We could have played sometime!"

"Are you only saying that because you want to see me shirtless?" L asked mournfully.

"No, I think he also wants to see you in short shorts," Raye explained astutely.

"N-no!" Raito exclaimed. "I was saying that completely innocently! Are you sure that you weren't thinking that about me?"

"Ahh, touché, Raito-kun. I really did miss you."

"Cough… cough…" Raye coughed. Immediately, everyone turned to him.

"What do you want? You trying to say you want to get back to introducing ourselves?" Raito snapped at the unfortunate FBI agent.

"N-no, I was just coughing…"

"A likely story," L sneered. "Well, get on with it, introduce yourself already!"

"I-I'm Raye… Raye Penber… I got killed by Raito… and I was… once voted 'Best FBI Agent.'"

"Really. That… is rather amazing, considering how badly you screwed up most of the time."

"I didn't do all that bad!"

"You let Yagami Raito learn your name, so he was also able to kill, or rather have you kill, the entire FBI team. So yes, you did pretty badly."

"Don't forget, Ryuuzaki, despite the fact that they're the most diabolically powerful agency in the world (or is that the CIA?), they're really quite stupid, especially compared to geniuses like us. Li'l Raye here probably _is_ the best they have."

"Good point, Raito-kun. Next!"

"Eh, guess I'll go next. Name's Higuchi Kyosuke. I was also killed by Raito… I think."

"Yep, it was me," Raito confirmed.

"Good to know. Anyway, something interesting… uh… Well, at the age of 12, I was the winner of the Little Mr. Nagoya male beauty pageant."

"That is interesting! How come you never told me that before?" Raye said.

"…" For rather obvious reasons, no one else had anything to say.

"All right… I'm Watari. You can call me Wammy if you want, though."

"So, uh, how come your alias is Japanese if you're actually British?" Raito wondered.

"It's because Japan pwns all!" Matt shouted. Everyone else nodded in agreement.

Raito shrugged. "Fair enough."

"Anyway, I was also killed by this excellent fellow, Raito here, just the same as everyone else so far. And… my special strawberry shortcake has won many awards, but up until now, I've never revealed the secret ingredient."

"Is it drugs?" Mello asked.

"…No. Well, as L would tell you, there is a subtle hint of honey in the cake, which comes from honeybees, ground into a fine powder."

"Ewwwww…"

L was the only one not disgusted by this information. "What's in it doesn't affect how good it is."

"Amen," Matt agreed, lighting another cigarette.

"No, that's different. Bugs may be gross, but at least they're not deadly, like arsenic and tar and all that other junk in one of those things!" Matt's only response to Raito's argument was to blow a thin stream of smoke in his face. Then he continued playing Monster Dungeon XXVIII.

"Coughchokegaspwheeze…" Raito didn't have much tolerance for cigarette smoke, being a poster child for a drug-free America and all. Besides the whole Japanese thing. L pounded him on the back helpfully. "Ugh… thanks. Matt, I hate you, even though I never really met you and wouldn't have known your name had it not been for someone mentioning your name."

"Actually, no one has mentioned his name since you arrived here."

"…Oh… Well, anyway, many of you already know me… except for Matt, apparently… I'm Yagami Raito, and I was directly or indirectly responsible for everyone's deaths. Sorry."

"It's okay, Raito," everyone chorused in agreement.

"Yeah, I got killed by Ryuuk, or according to some, by a stupid guy named Matsuda…" L started laughing again. "Shut up! It wasn't even my fault! It was this guy's fault!" Raito pointed to Mikami.

"K-Kami-sama, I would never do anything to hurt you or kill you!" Mikami wailed.

"Shut up! You failed, which meant that Near was able to kill me!"

"Yeah, it was Near's fault!"

"Stupid Near…" Mello chimed in.

"So because I was the one who taught Near and motivated him to be an L, it is really my fault, meaning that I was the one to kill you," L reasoned.

"You know, I'm fine with that. You were my rival, at least."

"I'm glad, Raito-kun. It means that you were able to mature as a person."

"…How's it mean that?" Raye asked.

"Well, you see, it is one thing not to want to die at all, and another thing not to want to die because of a random person who was never as cool as your ex-rival, but it's different when you are already dead and can accept your death as having been inevitable, and can rationalize your death as having come not at the hands of said random person, but at the hands of your amazingly cool rival. Once is once, so since you indirectly killed me once, I was able to indirectly kill you once, as well."

"That is only fair. Thank you, Ryuuzaki." Raito hugged L again.

"Eh, so can we get away from your crazy logic and 'secret lust for each other' to focus on something more important? Something like getting more information about _me_, who many of you don't seem to know much about?" Takada interrupted the apparent love fest to shift all attention back to her. When she was sure that every eye was on her (Well, except for Matt, who doesn't count. She liked to believe that he was watching her too, that the glare of his goggles just made it look like he was focusing on his game.), she cleared her throat to begin.

"My name is Takada Kiyomi. I got killed by… well, I killed myself, but somebody probably wrote me in the Note." She paused expectantly.

"It was I!" Raito and Mikami claimed at the same time. Raito immediately hit Mikami on the head with an empty treasure chest.

"No, you idiot! I killed her; you failed at life!"

"K-Kami-samaaaaa… I'm sorry! I failed you!" Mikami began groveling immediately.

"Ah, so, didn't you, like, denounce me right before I died?" Raito questioned. "Why are you supporting me again?"

"Because that meanie kid Near was controlling me! I had no choice! Forgive me, Kami-sama! I was weak! The power of the Death Note was too much!"

"Ahem…" Takada cleared her throat. "Back to me now? Thanks, boys. It appears that my darling Raito was the one who killed me, and that this Kira poser over here messed up all his most devious plans because of me. It seems I have that effect on men…" She sidled up to Mello and wrapped an arm around him. "So… you forgive me for killing you?" she pouted, leaning into him and running her fingers over the place where his scar had been.

"Uh… um… yes, of course!" Mello was flustered.

Matt scoffed at Takada's "persuasive" tactics. "Well, that's just Mello. Now if you were able to get me, I'd concede that you have a point. But, well, Mello's always been a bit easy to manipulate, Raito was using you, and Mikami is a failure at life."

"You just want me to flirt with you, right?" Takada asked, disgusted.

"No, I'm just saying that I'm one of the least likely to participate in any conversation, and my mad gaming skillz and obsession with this particular series mean that I'm really not going to focus on anything you do."

"Well… well, I don't want to!" Takada yelled at him.

"Fair enough." Matt shrugged. "Then you don't have to."

"Er, Takada-san, you still have to tell us an important fact about yourself," Raye interjected shyly.

"Ah, yes, well, what to tell you…? Well, something that might interest one of you, at least…" She looked slyly at Raito. "I was asked to be a model several times in my life, but I always turned these offers down in favor of the much more intellectually stimulating position of reporter and anchorwoman."

"Hey," Raye whispered to Higuchi. "Is it just me, or does Miss Takada have a crush on Raito-san?"

"Raye…" a very distracted Higuchi replied, "I… I think that I'm in love…"

"Huh? With Takada-san?"

"Uh, yeah. She's kind of the only woman here…"

"I was just checking! You never know with this bunch…"

Meanwhile, Raito wasn't going to tolerate that kind of behavior from Takada. "Why would I care about that? Apparently, you still seem to think that you're competing with Misa. Well, she's not dead yet, so your only real romantic rival is Ryuuzaki here. And you're going to have to do a hell of a lot of work to convince me that you're smarter than him."

Takada was furious. L was flattered.

"Are you sure? That someone like you would be able to like someone like me in that way?" he asked almost shyly.

"Of course. We really have a lot in common, and we get along well. Although we sometimes fight, it's never verbal, only physical. We're well matched, so neither of us will be able to do much damage to the other, and even if we did, we're both dead, so we'll just heal right away. We are the world's two superpowers, if you will, so no one here would oppose us. Misa is the only one besides Takada who would raise a fuss about this, and she's still alive. I like you as a friend, and I could feel more than friendship for you. I think the same applies to you. Even when Misa shows up, there's only so much of eternity that you can spend with someone like that. But you're different, because you're funny, amusing, and just a little weird. If anyone that's going to wind up in this place could entertain me for all that time, it would be you. In conclusion, you once said that Misa was the perfect woman for me, but if such a thing were possible, I would say that you're the perfect man for me," Raito explained.

"Oh, all right then. In that case, I would be happy to be your boyfriend, Raito-kun." L leaned over and pecked Raito on the cheek.

Raito immediately blushed, even though he had recently kissed L himself before any such confession, and square on the lips, to boot. "I never said I wanted you to…"

"Don't be shy, Raito-kun. You said that you would rather be with me than Takada, and because she is both beautiful and determined, _my_ conclusions must be that you consider me in a high regard, even though I am certainly not as attractive, and also that because she wouldn't give up, probably until you are 'taken' and no longer single, because you won't go out with her, and because I'm the only one you deign to have go out with you, you are not only stating your previously unmentioned love for me, but at the same time, asking me out. That's the only explanation that makes sense." L smiled. He loved when things made sense, and he did like Raito, at least as a friend. Raito was right: Takada was no good with him!

"But… eh, fine. I'll go out with you, Ryuuzaki, although where 'out' is in this dimension, I don't know." Raito approached L again slowly and carefully placed a hand on his shoulder, gently lifting L's face up with the other hand. Raito mustered up his courage, looked squarely into L's eyes, and kissed him. This kiss was nothing like those last two had been. This kiss was solid, meaningful, and above all, passionate. It moved from breathy, hesitant caress to pressing, eager feeling as their tongues clashed and intertwined, as gasped breaths became hushed moans.

Takada left when they toppled to the ground, Raito having overbalanced when subtly snaking a hand into the back pocket of L's jeans. Higuchi followed her, being madly in love with her as well as a bit homophobic. Everyone else found themselves quite unable to look away from the scene.

"It's… like a train wreck…" Raye murmured.

"Kami-sama… but he's… but he can't… be with a guy… that isn't me…" Mikami muttered, twitching occasionally.

Mello was watching almost curiously, and seemed to be taking mental notes on the behavior of his mentor and (im)mortal enemy, while Watari stood at a distance, making sure that things didn't get out of hand. (No, not literally.) After all, they had all eternity to build a healthy relationship before taking the final step of consummation. Matt had paid absolutely no attention to the exchange between the two as he was playing Monster Dungeon XXIX, the newest addition to his collection. Now he looked up, red hair blowing into his eyes with a sudden mild breeze. "Perhaps a certain narrator should see what Takada and Higuchi are doing…?"

Perhaps a certain Matt should refrain from breaking the fourth wall again unless he wants to be punished. The narrator would prefer to remain in this location and narrate the more yaoi-esque scene.

"Some people like the straight stuff more, though."

Said the boy who's been kissing Mello all this time.

"I was talking about the readers, actually. Those are pretty important too, yes?"

Suddenly, Matt's Game Boy disappeared, as did Monster Dungeon XXIX.

"Damn."

* * *

Xiana: Oh no, a cliffhanger! Many questions have yet to be answered! Among them: What are Higuchi and Takada doing? Are Raito and L really in love with each other? Will Matt ever get a new game? Why is Xiana Asuka bad at writing make-out scenes? And just how many audience members will Xiana Asuka lose by including such scenes? More to the point, how many will she gain? The answer to about three of these questions next time, on The Line! Which will be a longer chapter next time! 

Reviews are lovely and fun to reply to.

Next: Introductions finish, a new (but canon) character appears, and Project DAMN! is fully explained.


	4. Chapter 3: Raito Rants Angrily

Xiana: Here is the third chapter of the story. You'll probably like this one; I think it's kind of funny. :D

Disclaimer: If I were to own Death Note, that one shinigami Sidoh or whatever would never have existed. I seriously hate that guy so much that I can't read the whole second part of the series ever again. (Except for some of the parts with Matt and Mello, of course, because they're a lot funner than Raito.) I think I own Monster Dungeon and Robot Wars because they're such generic names that I don't think they actually exist, but if they do exist I disclaim them too.

Claimer: Igor is miiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

* * *

_Chapter 3: In Which Raito Rants Angrily About Modeling and Introductions are Finished._

Takada was very angry. How could Raito do something like this to her? Why would he ever choose an older, creepier, and obviously less handsome man over her? She had to choke back a sob as she thought of how he had used her and betrayed her. She had believed in him, truly she had. And now, because of him, she was sentenced to this purgatory with him and these other maniacs.

Speaking of maniacs… Higuchi came up and tapped her on the arm. She turned around and wiped a threatening tear from her eye. "Yes?" she responded coldly, sounding almost like the Lady Takada of old.

"I… just wanted to see if you were okay… You seemed really sad…"

"Are you feeling sorry for me?" Takada gave him a disgusted look. "This from the 'failure of an ex-Kira,' as Mello so beautifully put it?" She raised an eyebrow. "What did I ever do to seem that pathetic to even you, and why are you so suddenly in love with me? You don't know anything about me, and besides, I thought that you were in love with A-ma-ne Mi-sa." She pronounced the name slowly and distastefully, like some ugly curse.

"Well… yes, I felt sorry for you, because you were just dumped by the man who killed you. I sort of understand a bit, because I almost understand that rejection. And you're right that I was in love with her, at least, I thought I was. But I've had five years to think about it, and I realized that I never had a chance. But with you, I do have a chance, don't I? When I met you, the first thing I thought was that I wanted you to be happy, and I may not deserve it, but I want to be happy too. And I think that maybe we can do it, if we do it together." Higuchi, surprisingly, was both a hopeless romantic and very poetic, or at least good at telling girls what they wanted to hear.

Takada was made of stronger stuff than the other girls Higuchi had dated (strictly in the name of Yotsuba, of course). "Well, that's all well and good, but how do you think I feel? I don't like you. I don't like you at all. You're far too old for me, and beauty pageant or no, I've seen more attractive people starving on the side of the road. You may have been a Kira, but you only killed criminals to cover your tracks while you profited off of the notebook and Kira's name. Give me one good reason why I should even be wasting time _talking_ to you, much less dating you."

"Well, there are many reasons-" Higuchi started, but Takada cut him off.

"One reason, one chance, that's it. Maybe after you lose, you can try again in a couple hundred years."

"One reason…" Higuchi had to deeply and intensely ponder what to say. For approximately two seconds. "Well… I hate to be the one to break this to you, but I honestly don't think that anyone else in this damn dimension is going to fall in love with you, or even date you casually." Takada turned to him, her face a mix of shock and anger. "Before you say anything, just let me finish. I may not be too smart and logical like those other guys, but from what I know of them, they're either not your type, or not interested at all. First of all, that Raye. He's sort of cute, a little vague, and completely infatuated with some Naomi girl. But he is sort of your type; you go in for that whole puppy-dog-worship-type thing, right? It's just not going to happen with him. Should I go on?" Higuchi grinned. Takada pursed her lips and nodded curtly. "Next, we have that Matt character, who is in love with his games and speaking out at inopportune moments, and he's never going to go for you, especially if they keep cranking out those 'Dungeon Monster' games. His little friend Mello appears to be thinking of nothing but chocolate and how to win Matt's heart, plus he resembles a little girl. Watari's old, Mikami's creepy, and I don't think that the other two want to have anything to do with you, if that last scene was any indication." They both shuddered involuntarily. "Face it, sweetie, I'm all you've got."

"One," Takada said.

"One what?" Higuchi asked, confused.

"One date, that's all you get. If you want to _even_ think about something more, you better make sure it's damn romantic."

"That's all I could ask for." Higuchi bent over and kissed her hand. Takada, for her part, did her best not to flinch away.

As they walked back to rejoin the others, Higuchi dared to ask, "Is it all right if I call you by your first name, Miss Kiyomi?"

"Absolutely _not_, Kyosuke."

- - -

Having developed the relationship between those two instead of relegating them to a plothole somewhere, we can now turn our attention back to the main heroes of our story.

"Mmm, Ryuuzaki…"

"No, Raito-kun… ohhh… we mustn't…"

"Shhh, it's okay… It won't hurt at all, I promise…"

Yes, those two. Raito and L were still rolling around on the ground, but by now, Raito had claimed a more dominant position. Raye was still unable to look away, video-game-deprived Matt was staring blankly ahead, and Mikami was alternating between whispering "Why?" and screaming "No!" with breaks in between to hit himself repeatedly on the head. Mello still appeared to be observing, though as Raito began to pull his shirt off, Watari leaned over and covered his eyes before turning away covertly. He was a proper Englishman, after all, which meant that he was a big fan of privacy.

As predicted, Mello tried to shove him away. "Hey, get off! I wanna see…"

"Sorry, lad, but I can't let you. Don't you think you're a bit young for something this, er, _graphic_?"

"But you let Matt, and Matt's younger," Mello whined.

"Yes, but Mello, Matt is more mature both mentally and physically, and also, he's not paying any attention at all," Watari explained calmly.

Takada and Higuchi reappeared over the horizon, walking a suitable distance apart from each other, meaning that Takada hit Higuchi every time he tried to hold her hand. They rejoined the group and stood in silence until Takada decided to speak, which sparked further comments.

"So, they're still going at it?"

"I thought we'd have been gone long enough that…"

"Can't… stop… staring…"

"Why won't you let me see!"

"Because you won't be able to handle it! Er… why do you want to watch in the first place?"

"Why…? ...NO! …Argh!"

"Guys, I think you can stop now."

At this last statement, all heads swiveled to stare at Matt, who had apparently gotten a Nintendo DS Lite and a new copy of Monster Dungeon XXIX from a convenient treasure chest, and was smoking a cigarette for good measure. After a second, Raito smiled sheepishly and stood up, helping L to his feet and re-clothing himself.

"Sorry about that, everyone. You see, this was all because of plan 'Distract Amane Misa Now!' or 'DAMN!' for short," L explained.

"Yes. We came up with it during one late night on the Kira case. Misa had been particularly annoying that day, and I was fed up. Ryuuzaki noticed my discomfort, and after that, it was only a matter of time until Project DAMN! was created," Raito continued.

"The premise was simple. Misa had already accused me of having certain_ feelings_ towards Raito-kun, and after spending months chained together, we weren't exactly shy about the more… physical revelations that come along with being handcuffed to another person day and night."

"We decided that if I ever got that sick of Misa again, I was to say something that at least vaguely hinted at an affectionate undercurrent while simultaneously tapping the ground with my left shoe. Ryuuzaki was to begin steering the conversation so that it could easily transition into a display like the one you just saw while simultaneously making a peace sign with his left hand to show that he had received the message. Eventually, at a suitable time, we would 'give into our secret lust for each other,' and continue the charade until she left."

"Naturally, we're both so confident in our masculinity that it was not at all uncomfortable having to kiss or, uh, _feel up_ another boy," L added.

"So… you mean it was all just an act?" Takada shrieked.

"Yes! Tag-team logic wins! Ahahahahahaha!" they said together, laughing evilly because they were proud of the way that their nefarious plot had gone so smoothly, especially after having been used on a different opponent over five years after it had originally been envisioned. They continued laughing for a while; everyone else simply stared at the two mad geniuses, except for Watari, who already knew about the plan and had played his part to the best of his ability, and Matt, who had figured out the plan during the 15 minutes he had been without gaming devices and had had nothing better to do.

"…So… everything that just happened was fake?" asked Mello, who seemed a little disappointed.

"Well, I wouldn't necessarily say 'fake.' We're not really in love with each other, but we were really kissing each other and stuff. _Personally,_ I used the opportunity to refine my technique, because Ryuuzaki has a different feel and taste to him than any of the girls I've dated did. It was a bit of a challenge, but I believe I succeeded," Raito informed him before L took up the thread of the conversation.

"Well, I for one was impressed, Raito-kun. As for my response to Mello-chan's question, I saw it as a chance to reconnect with an old friend, and to put one of my favorite old plans into action."

"But why was it one of your favorites?" Mello continued to question.

"Because-" Raito slapped a hand over L's mouth.

"Ahahahaha, you don't really want to know about that, do you? I mean, we've been talking for a while now…" he laughed nervously.

"But I do want…"

"No, Mello, no you don't. We've been taking so much time that I insist you introduce yourself," Raito pressed. Eventually, Mello gave up.

"All right… my name is Mihael, and Mello is my 'code name.' I guess you can call me whatever, but I'd probably respond to Mello more readily… unless it's Matt calling me…" He glared in Matt's direction.

"Focus, Keehl, focus," Matt said lazily, dismissing Mello's complaint with a wave of his hand.

"Grrr… Well… I got killed by _Takada,_ of all people…" Takada had to stifle a giggle of triumph, but Mello ignored her. "But she died right after that, and stupid Near was able to kill and get proof on Raito after that, so my loyal and brave and selfless-ish sacrifice was the reason that everyone on Earth is able to live freely. So who's laughing now?" Mello proceeded to laugh after this statement, and it took him a while to calm down and realize that no one else was or had been laughing. "Fine, well… Something about me… I have always been a big fan of the Victorian era, and my childhood dream was to own a huge Victorian house, complete with all the furnishings, and to marry a beautiful girl who would dress in bows and ruffles, all curls and petticoats. Unfortunately, that plan never came to fruition, because I died…" Mello felt very sad, remembering his unfulfilled goal.

"Well, you died, but I thought that the other reason was that I wouldn't consent to being your blushing bride, remember?" Matt reminded Mello.

"What the-"

"No, but you had just found a way around that, remember? You were going to dress up all foppy and what not and take me as your husband," Matt continued, oblivious to Mello's protests.

"God DAMN you, Matt! I thought you promised never to tell, dammit! I was young! Young and stupid!"

"Yeah, young and stupid five weeks before your mortal life ended."

"Stupid Matt! We may be stuck in this fucking Line, but I'll send you to hell myself!" Mello snarled. He launched himself at Matt, flicking open the knife he had stolen from Higuchi earlier (Mello was a bit of a kleptomaniac) and stabbing Matt repeatedly. Matt, of course, stood still, enjoying his game and responding to each jab with a slightly pained "Ow." The frenzied Mello continued stabbing him until he realized that it was having no effect, at which point he switched tactics.

"So, little Matt, you don't want to die or even pay attention to me? Rather pay attention to your little game, eh? Well, we'll see about that…" Mello swiped Matt's DS, which turned out to be a mistake. "Now what are you focusi- Oomfh!"

Matt had reached a turning point in his game, and was most displeased with the way Mello had taken it. As such, he responded with a roundhouse kick to the stomach, followed by an uppercut to the jaw and a complicated flying kick, just for good measure. Mello went flying, and the DS flew up to land in Matt's outstretched hand. It was a beautiful pose, and Matt bowed to the audience before getting back to Monster Dungeon XXIX, which had been interrupted several times already.

Mello was unhurt, though dazed and a little confused. "Hey, uh, anyone know why I didn't land in the water?" Everyone else gave him a puzzled stare. "Matt hit me pretty hard. By all accounts, I should have gone flying into the pool in the oasis, but instead, it was like I hit a wall and just sort of slid down it."

"Maybe the great god of the oasis didn't want you to fall in and drown because your decaying corpse would then poison the water?" Raye suggested.

"… Maybe not. Anyone else?"

No one else seemed to have any ideas at all. "Oh, come on! Surely one of you two must know! You're flippin' geniuses over here!" Mello cried exasperatedly, appealing directly to Raito and L.

They both shrugged. "If anyone here would know, it would be Matt, since there seem to be a lot of video-game-related things in this universe, so I suggest you ask him," L offered helpfully.

"But I don't want to talk to him!"

"I suppose you won't be getting an answer then."

"But I… I… I HATE YOU ALL!" Mello screamed before turning to face Matt. "Hey, Matt, why don't you tell me what happened back there, asshole?"

"Apologize," Matt said, not looking up from his screen.

"Apologize? The hell! Why would I want to do something like that? You kicked me, you bastard!"

"Yes, but you took my game. Now apologize or no answer for you."

"Dammit…" Mello grumbled. "Fine. I'm sorry that I took your game, and I'm _very_ sorry that I thought that you would notice yourself getting cut by a knife. Now tell me!"

"Well, it's quite simple, really." Matt took on the lofty tone of a professor beginning a lecture on his favorite subject. "There are only a few possibilities at this point in the game. The first is that you are not allowed or supposed to go to that area yet. At such times, a convenient barrier may be set up by a villain or one of your allies to prevent access until you complete an objective, whether it's retrieving a legendary artifact or gaining a certain ability, at which point the barrier will either fall or be broken, usually after you speak to an NPC and select something like 'Yes' or 'I'm Ready.' Alternatively, you may simply be able to walk through it. The second option is that it is not an area that you can get to at all. After all, the realm of the game must always be clearly defined, or who knows what could happen? Even when it seems you should be able to get to an area, you may find yourself walking into an invisible wall, unable to get through a forest or continue into an endless desert wasteland, no matter how much you may want to. The third and final option is that your character is simply unable to swim, at least at this point."

"How's that an option? I was the first in our group to learn how to swim when we had lessons! I'm like a fish in the water! A fish, dammit!"

"Well, that may be so, but even something that you should, by all rights, already know how to do, may be unavailable to you until you buy it or find it or special gear for it in a treasure chest or something."

"Damn video game logic… Why does it apply here, anyway?"

"I don't know, but… it does make my life easier."

"Hey, can I go next? I think it should be my turn to go next! Those two have spent a lot of time talking, and if Matt goes next, it'll just be more of the same! And I'm the only other one left…" Mikami, who was bored and impatient, interrupted.

"Nice transition," Raito noted sarcastically.

"Thank you, Kami-sama. I'm going to assume that you're giving me permission to talk?" Raito rolled his eyes and nodded, and Mikami continued happily. "All right, I'm Mikami, Teru Mikami, and in life I dedicated myself to Kira, my idol, until I got killed by… maybe that Nate guy? It seems that I died of insanity, but it also seems I'm better now, for whatever reason. Umm… something that everyone should know… Well, as you all know, I was a defender of justice all throughout my life, standing up for the weak. I was also a really cute little kid, even if I was a bit on the 'nerd' side. My mom thought it was good that I was trying to fight against oppression, but she was a little worried about me, so she somehow got me into a commercial ad, so I guess I'm a model too, Kira-san, although it was only ever that one time…" Mikami smiled, thinking that Raito would highly approve of his actions and be full of affection for him. Understandably, it was not the kind of affection that Raito had displayed earlier. It was a more platonic affection that Mikami was looking for, something more respectful, more friendly, more romantic. Romantic? No, of course not. He didn't want _love_ from Kira-sama, just the esteem and respect of a… colleague. Ha, like he'd ever want to… kiss those luscious lips… stroke that flaxen hair… whisper sweet nothings into those alert ears when they awoke together, still suffering from a haze of dreamy fog after a long and… _active_ night…

Mikami was rudely awakened from his daydream by a sharp elbow to the face.

"Pay attention, Mikami! Now, as I was ranting about before you decided to step out for a nice jaunt into La-La Land, why does everyone think that being a model is somehow impressive to me? I mean, yes, Misa is a model. Did I care about her because of that? No. Did I care about her at all? No! Was I using her because she had shinigami eyes? Yes! Now, Mikami, Takada, I used you as well. Did I use you because you were models? No. Did I even _know_ that you were models? No! I used you because you were convenient to me, Mikami because he was a major supporter of Kira, and Takada because I used to know her and Mikami made her the spokesperson for Kira. It never mattered to me that Misa was a model, except for the fact that she was well known, which put me in danger. That's why I don't care if you're models or rock stars or _the royal family of Uzbekistan_ so long as you get the job done!"

"But… but I just thought-"

"Shut up, Mikami!"

"But I thought you'd like-"

"No! No! _Hell_ no! I don't like models, I don't like Takada, and I really, _really_ don't like you! You screwed everything up for me! You're the reason I'm dead! As if that isn't enough, you're in _love_ with me! Misa is a model, but I certainly liked her better, because she was open with her affection, and honest about her feelings, and didn't take any presumptuous pride in herself, and especially because _she knew that I was using her!_ You guys thought that you were chosen because you were 'true believers,' because I 'cared about you.' But I didn't! I was using you for my own purposes, and you were too absorbed in your shallow little lives to notice!"

"Kami-sama, I-"

"What? You what? _What the hell do you want from me!_ You want me to kiss you like I did before, you little prick? Well, too damn bad!"

"No, but Kami-sama, really I-"

"Don't make me make out with Ryuuzaki again. I will. Oh, if that's all right with you, of course!" Raito slipped out of Murderous Rage Mode to a more friendly tone when he directed his last statement at L.

"No, of course it's all right. I don't mind as long as it's for you, and as long as you're able to get your point across," L beamed, seeming not to notice the difference between the two personalities that Raito had just displayed.

"All right then," Raito smiled back before glaring at Mikami again. "You see? It's a very valid threat. Now, you have something to say to me?"

"I-"

"Well?"

"I-"

"_Yes?_"

"…No…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Oy, Matt!"

"Yeah, yeah, what is it, Kira?"

"Introduce yourself." When Matt didn't immediately respond, Raito yelled again. "Introduce yourself, dammit!"

"Fine, fine. I was just finding a save point, but whatever…" Matt switched his game into Sleep Mode before turning to face the entire crowd, for once. "Name, Mail Jeevas. Pronounced like American measurement, not the postal service. Friends call me Matt." He gestured towards L. "Mortal enemies call me Matt." He gestured towards Raito. "People with a certain unrequited love for me call me Matt." He pointed directly at Mello, who growled angrily at him. "I suggest that you call me Matt. Killed by random guards of no name or importance. In my own personal opinion, my death was the worst of everyone here's. Anyone disagree? No? Good. Something about me? Well, I like to play games. I like it a lot. I once played Final Fantasy VII for two weeks straight, though it hardly took me that long to actually beat it. Even back at Wammy, I never wanted to go to school. I never competed to be the best at standardized testing, unlike some people I could name. I never wanted to do anything but sit in front of a glowing screen, and in the end I suppose that doesn't matter, because, well, we're all dead. Things worked out in the end, ne? Any questions? No? Good. How's that for an introduction, Raito?"

"Well, we certainly didn't get off topic with that one," Raito said, very impressed.

"Yes, yes, very good show. Now might I inquire as to what we should endeavour to undertake next?" Watari asked, hoping to steer the group on to something potentially productive.

Suddenly, a tidal wave brought in eight treasure chests, each containing a copy of the original Monster Dungeon game, along with an antiquated Game Boy. Everyone save Matt hesitantly picked one up.

"Maybe… this is what we're supposed to do with our… afterlives?" Raye asked slowly, as if the cosmic meaning of the universe had suddenly dawned on him.

"Maybe…"

"Hey, Ryuuzaki! Want to see who can beat this game first?" Raito challenged.

"Sure, Raito-kun! I'm always up for some friendly competition!"

"And just remember, guys, once you're done with that one, there's CXII more where that came from."

_//--Two-Years-Later--//_

"I'm done!" Raito and L yelled together.

"Wow, I'm impressed. You both beat every single game at exactly the same time," Matt said, impressed. Of course, it was sort of redundant to say that he was impressed since the prose was only repeating what he himself said. Strangely, no one noticed this, and so did not comment on the failure of the writer in general.

"Hey, I'm stuck again! Aww, I'm no good at this…" Raye complained.

"You're still only on game XII? You really are a failure, just like Mikami and Higuchi," Takada sighed. "Look, you just have to put the red orb into the pedestal, and then you can get to the boss, see?"

"Oh, thank you, Miss Takada! I'm sorry I have to keep asking you for help…"

"Sigh… Don't worry about it… It's not like I have anything better to do anyway…" One year ago, everyone had learned that Takada was an even better gamer than Matt, though such a thing hardly seemed possible. Matt hadn't spoken to her since, but she had certainly risen in Mello's respect. She had already completed the entire Monster Dungeon series, and had spent the other twelve months taunting Matt and completing various other games in record time.

"…" Matt turned away from the others, fully immersing himself in Robot Wars, a game which Takada had already beaten, unfortunately for him.

"Raito-kun!" A sudden call came.

"Huh? 'd you say something, Ryuuzaki?"

"No… it wasn't me…"

"Raito-kun!" the voice yelled again.

"Mikami, is that you again? I told you never to speak to me again, remember?"

"Kami-sama, it wasn't me… I would never dare to address you in such an informal manner…"

"Raito-kun!"

"Well then who-" Raito got his answer a second later when a black and white form crashed into him. Misa proceeded to wrap her arms around his neck and leaned in for a quick kiss. L and Mikami were temporarily taken aback by the fact that Raito had mistaken Misa's voice for one of theirs.

"Oh, Raito-kun, I missed you so much… Even though I couldn't remember everything that happened, I was so depressed after you died. I couldn't live without you, so… I killed myself!" She said the last part very cheerfully, as if suicide was a perfectly normal and socially acceptable occurrence. "And it worked out, because I get to see you again!"

"Uh… haha, yeah, it's good to see you again, Misa. But you shouldn't have killed yourself… I wanted you to be able to live a long, full life in at least a semi-light-filled world for as long as possible…" Raito smoothly transitioned into I Deeply Care About You And Your Well-Being Mode, though he wasn't happy to see her again at all.

Strangely, L did seem to be happy about her arrival in the Line. "Ah, Amane-san, long time no see!"

"Wha? Ryuuzaki's here too? But in response to you, Raito, my life might have been full of light, but not full of _Light_, if you know what I mean…"

Everyone was silent as they processed Misa's bad pun, until Raye ruined the mood by breaking out into hysterical laughter. "Ahaha, filled with Light!" Then everyone stared at him with disdain, except for Misa, who was glad that someone had appreciated her joke. "Wh-what are you… haha, looking at me f-for? D-don't you get the, ahahaha, the joke? No, it's really funny, I promise! You see, Raito is the same as Light! It's a pun! Not only that, it's sort of, uh, sexually suggestive, if you know what I mean… Full of Light? I don't know who you are, Miss, but you're pretty funny!"

"Misa's name is Misa!"

"Raye… you're such an idiot, seriously!" Raito complained.

"Yeah, almost to the point where he reminds me of Matsuda…" L sighed tragically.

"Huh? I'm not stupid… I just liked the joke…" Raye trailed off into silence, looking for sympathy.

He found none. Everyone else turned away collectively.

"Hey, want to go do something else?"

"Yeah, I'm sick of this game anyway." Coming from Matt, that statement was a sure sign that something was wrong.

"Hey, Raito-kun, now that Misa's here, the three of us can go off and have some fun, if you know what I mean…" Noting Misa and Raito's disgusted looks, L quickly amended his statement. "Have some fun playing bridge! You can't play with only two people, and only Raito is ever willing to play, so I thought that perhaps you might as well, Misa… You guys really need to think with your minds out of the gutters…"

"Bridge is an old people game," Misa informed L.

"Even so, it is a game of strategy, one which intelligent people like you, Raito, and I could certainly enjoy."

"Misa, I promise it'll be fun. And if you don't like it, we can switch to Go Fish after a few rounds."

"Misa loves Go Fish!"

"No, wait… don't abandon me…" Raye pleaded. "I'm sorry I laughed at the joke, I didn't mean it… Please! Come back!"

_//--Three-Years-Later--//_

"You came back for me!" Raye cried happily, dusting the cobwebs from his body. "And you brought new friends, too!"

"Cut the chit-chat, Penber," said an uncharacteristically grim Mello. "We need you to join us so that we can save the world."

* * *

Xiana: Oh! Is that a cliffhanger? Probably not… But is it the beginning of the actual plot? Yes, I do believe that it is. Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't update sooner and all that, but this chapter was a bit longer and kind of funny so hopefully that made up for something. I think that I've fixed all the typos but you never know, so sorry if they bothered anyone, I guess. So, why didn't Raito let L say why he liked the DAMN! plan? Perhaps that mystery, as well as the mystery of What This Story Is Actually Going to Be About, will be solved in the next chapter? Well, maybe just a little.

Next: Mello is violent, more new characters appear (in a flashback, no less), and only Matt can break the fourth wall.


	5. Chapter 4: Flashbacks Occur

Xiana: Hey everyone! Welcome back to The Line! Today, for your viewing pleasure, we have some intense flashback action, as well as yaoi-ish stuff, logic, and things that come in threes. Wicked awesome, huh?

…LOL. The dub of Death Note is actually pretty good.

Disclaimer: So every time I listen to Snow Patrol, I'm all ASDFGHILKK DEATH NOTE! Because all of their songs (except for Chasing Cars my Akuroku song) sound like Death Note. Unfortunately, I don't own Snow Patrol or DeNo.

Claimer: Today I am claiming Maiko and Hiro and Johann and Yamato and Jun and Mitsuki and Naoki and Tachiko and Dai and IGOR! Sadly, none of them actually appear in this chapter. :( Maiko is mentioned though…

* * *

_Chapter 4: In Which Flashbacks Occur and Mello Is Violent_

"_You came back for me!" Raye cried happily, dusting the cobwebs from his body. "And you brought new friends, too!"_

"Cut the chit-chat, Penber," said an uncharacteristically grim Mello. "We need you to join us so that we can save the world. Flashback time, narrator."

"Only I can break the fourth wall, Mello." Matt had a very good point, because he was pretty much the only one who could break character and refer to an omniscient being overlooking and describing the scene while remaining in character. (?)

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to try it at least once… We might die on our grand quest, you know…" Mello was forgiven, and the flashback continued as scheduled.

_//--Four-And-A-Half-Years-Earlier--//_

_A campfire roars and crackles, shedding heat and illuminating the sleeping forms, as well as two figures sitting together. Raito and L are still awake, discussing recent occurrences._

"_Raito-kun, why did you stop me earlier? When Mello was asking about why I liked our 'DAMN!' plan?"  
_

"_Well, uh… I just didn't think that our answer would be appreciated by the others."_

"_What exactly did you think I was going to say?"_

_"…I don't know… Just something… like about how you, like… really enjoyed putting it into action, or like… enjoyed all the practice that went into it…"_

"_I thought that you'd say something like that… But, um… it wasn't anything like that… I was going to say that I liked how… refreshingly _evil_ it was. You might not think so, but… I do consider myself to be, well, if not outright evil, sort of… appreciative of the more diabolical aspects of life."_

"_Oh." The silence hangs in the air for a minute or two. "But… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have thought something like that about you. I know that's not how it is. I'm sorry about making you do it, too. I definitely, uh… noticed your hesitation."_

"_I didn't mind. I actually sort of… enjoyed it. I never really got the chance to encounter some of those intimate experiences, immersed in my work and killed as early as I was. It was a bit of a relief, really, to be able to see what I missed out on." L smiles, but the flickering light of the fire catches the lines of his face so that he is transfigured into a hideous, grimacing ghoul. _

_Raito doesn't notice. He cannot look at L. "…Yeah. How did you… feel about that whole thing…?" The question seems ambiguous and redundant, but both understand exactly what is meant. L takes a few seconds before responding._

"_Well, mostly, Raito-kun seemed very… insistent. It might have been a little much, even considering the situation. But it wasn't necessarily bad, just surprising… Also, you seemed quite sweet, or kind rather, despite the pressure, which was quite reassuring to me. Oh, and one other thing… if we were to ever really 'hook up,'" L curls his fingers into question marks, "I think we both know that I'd be on top."_

"_Ha, in your dreams…" They laugh together, but the sound soon fades, and only the hiss of burning logs is audible.  
_

"_Hey, uh, Raito-kun? You know, we're both, well, dead, and it doesn't matter anymore… but even though it's not necessarily important to you… well… if you didn't already know, my name… my real name… is Lawliet," L says quietly, looking down at the ground._

"…" _Raito glances quickly at L before looking away again. "…Thanks. For telling me. It… it means a lot." He looks back. "So, Lawliet, it's nice to meet you, but I fear that it is growing late, so I' guess we'll have to get to know each other in the morning. G'night!" He swiftly leans over and kisses L, catching him completely off guard, then rests his head on a pillow and pretends to fall immediately asleep._

_After a second of sitting still, completely stunned, L laughs ruefully before rolling over and lying down next to Raito. "Looks like you got me there, Raito-kun."_

_Minutes passed, and Raito is almost completely asleep until L reaches over and taps his shoulder. "Um, Raito-kun? I was just thinking… and maybe, if you ever wanted to, maybe… practice your technique a bit, well… I wouldn't mind if you used it on me, as long as you maybe gave me some tips, or something…"_

_Raito's response is another kiss, this one longer and with a hint of tongue. "Sleep close and keep me warm, okay?"_

"_Okay." L tugs Raito closer and covers them both with his blanket, making room for Raito to share his pillow as well. In no time, Raito is asleep, and before giving into beckoning slumber himself, L whispers, "Good night, Raito. Sleep well," and delivers one last kiss to full and yielding lips._

_And thus the flashback ended._

"Eh? But, um… what does that have to do with saving the world?" Raye asked, understandably confused.

"…"

"…It appears that the narrator used the wrong clip. Rather than show a suggestive moment between L and Yagami, she should have shown the scene in which we first discovered the existence of Maiko and his gang," explained a white-haired young man with a round face and innocent eyes.

"Eeh? How come he can break the fourth wall? More importantly, why can't I?" Mello asked angrily.

"Well, that's because we can get away with it, and you simply can't," Matt and Near explained together.

"But… Raito-kun… That didn't really happen, did it?" Misa asked tearfully.

"Um, well… not exactly…" Raito stalled, looking to L for help. Unfortunately, L found that truthfulness was the best approach.

"Yes, well, there weren't any blankets, so I had to lie on top of Raito-kun to fulfill my promise. It's not just that, either. I seem to remember a lot less talking, and a lot more, uh, I believe the phrase is 'making out.'" Raito and Misa were scandalized, Misa because she had thought that they would flat out deny that such a horrendous event had ever occurred and reassure her that Raito had only ever loved her, and Raito because he hadn't expected L to just confess something like that right to her face, and with a cheerful smile, too. "Although I suppose that's what could be considered 'taking artistic license…'" L continued thoughtfully, "or at the least, censorship."

"Raito… it… it isn't true, is it? Please…" Misa pleaded.

Raito sighed heavily. "Misa, I'm sorry, but it is."

L seemed to feel a bit sorry for Raito, and came to his rescue. "Oh, but Amane-san, don't feel jealous or get angry at Raito-kun. First of all, it was all my idea, and second of all, he only agreed because I told him that he could just use it as a sort of practice. He wanted to be ready for when you eventually met your doom, so that he _wouldn't_ be out of practice and so that you wouldn't for whatever reason, leave him for another. So you see, it was all done for love of you."

Misa was mollified. "Aww… Raito-kun… It was so sweet of you to think of me…"

"Uh… yeah." Raito looked at L gratefully; L looked back with a glance that clearly said, "You owe me." Except not out loud because that would be weird and facial expressions are usually incapable of making sound, unless the facial expression happens to be "Oh God I've contracted leprosy and my nose just fell off," in which case, it will probably be accompanied by a loud thud, unless of course the person making the facial expression is delusional. And even then, they might be both delusional and lepers, so they would actually be hallucinating something that was actually true which would mean that they would be thinking the right thing but accidentally unless it was a rare moment of clarity for the deluded leper and after this revelation they would go back to thinking that they were a teacup or something.

Unless they actually were a teacup. But I digress.

"Well, now that that's been settled, perhaps we could move to the applicable flashback?" Matt had a very good point, so everyone decided to close his or her eyes and imagine the scene that had been previously referred to. Raye felt left out.

"Uh, guys, I can't really imagine this flashback… I wasn't there, remember…? That was the whole point…"

"Oh, yeah," the others said collectively.

"Maybe we should try whatever happened last time?"

"Yeah!"

_//--Two-We_

"Wait, wait, wait! You can't seriously be doing the whole flashback in italics! That's ridiculous! The whole chapter will be italicized and nobody wants to read that!" Raye yelled at the sky. The sky did not answer.

"But then won't it be hard to distinguish between the flashback and the present? When someone like _you_ finds it necessary to interrupt, it will get even more complicated. And when we have to go back to the present out of the flashback, that'll be an awkward transition as well," Matt pointed out.

"But, but…" To keep Raye from whining, and to keep Matt from winning at everything, the author pushed the magical ctrl-I button combination,_ and everything changed._

"_Sweetness."_

_//--Two-Weeks-Ago--//_

"Gee, Raito-kun, it sure is nice relaxing in this bakery that we built a few years ago after leaving Raye behind, don't you think?" L asked, lounging on a couch and eating a piece of cake.

"Uh, yeah, I guess, but why are you saying something like that all of a sudden?"

"I'm not quite sure…" L looked vaguely confused, then shrugged. "Either way, I'm sure it was convenient to the plot," he smiled.

"Hey, what's that out the window?" Mello yelled. It was dark outside, but the night was suddenly illuminated by three shooting stars.

"Oh no, I'm hit!" Higuchi pretended to fall over. Everyone else stared at him blankly until he explained, "Like shooting stars, so I got shot by one, see?"

"Well, I don't love you for your sense of humor," Takada sighed. Then she smiled cruelly. "Oh, wait, I forgot. I don't love you at all."

"If we'd known that you were just going to make jokes like that, we'd have left you with Raye," Raito agreed.

"It looks like the stars landed right outside," Matt noted pertinently.

"Let's go check it out!" Misa exclaimed.

"Okay!" When they raced outside, they found no meteorites, but rather three people lying half-conscious in identical craters.

"Sayu-chan? Is that you?" Raito bent over the form of his sister, who looked exactly the same as she had the last time he had seen her, except for the glint of life in her eyes that had not appeared since her kidnapping.

"…Nii-chan? Is that really you? But what are you doing here? I didn't think that major criminals such as yourself could go to heaven…"

"Um… that's not what this is. This place is called 'the Line,' to the best of our knowledge."

"Huh?" Sayu sat up suddenly. "Hey, where's Matsu-chan?"

"Matsuda?" Raito asked, very confused. "I don't think he's-"

"Sayu! I'm over here!" The occupant of the second crater stood, waving his arms to get everyone's attention.

"Huh? Matsu…? What…?" Misa questioned.

"Hey!" Sayu got up, resisting Raito's attempts to keep her still. (He had apparently forgotten how quickly injuries healed in this dimension.) She ran to Matsuda and hugged him tightly. "Oh, Matsu, honey, I'm afraid you screwed up again. We're not in heaven…"

"What do you mean, not in heaven?" L asked astutely. He was ignored, because Raito yelled, "Matsuda, what are you doing with my sister?"

"Well, uh, Raito-kun, you see, the thing is, I kind of, well, married her."

Raito began twitching uncontrollably and had to be physically restrained so that he wouldn't start attacking Matsuda. Everyone else offered the couple their congratulations, and then attention was turned to the third person to fall, who had just then awoken.

"Yes, Yagami-san, I'm afraid he did. After you died, she became even more catatonic than before. Matsuda-san took to spending time with her. Eventually, he was the only one she would react to. On the anniversary of your death, he asked her to marry him. She accepted, and the wedding was in June. If you wondered, they have, or had, rather, no children. I'm sure you're relieved to know that."

"Yeah, maybe I am. But who the hell are you?"

"You don't recognize me? Well, I did change. I grew at least six inches, and developed more muscle. I also lost some of my more childish habits to fit my role as the new L. But you certainly know me. Your last attempted victim, Nate River, but most everyone here knows me better as-"

"Near? What happened to you? You… you…"

"Ah, Mello. It's good to see you again. As I said before, I grew…" Near pulled himself out of the hole in the ground and dusted off his suit before approaching Mello. "In fact, it seems I'm taller than you now."

"…Dammit… I would have been taller if I hadn't died… If I hadn't died for you!"

"I'm sure that's true. And I appreciate your sacrifice very much," Near told him. Mello's eye twitched angrily. Near turned to Matt. "It's good to see you again, as well."

"Yeah. It'll be good to hang around with someone other than Mello for once. I mean, he's good company and all, but after the fourth year of being constantly watched by him, it gets to be a little old. It's good to have another old friend around."

Mello felt betrayed. "Maaaatt… He wasn't your friend… Remember, we spent all our time together, and we always made fun of him for being a nerd… I don't think that you even _had_ any other friends! I was popular, of course, but you always stayed inside. Hm, now that I actually think about it, you were almost as bad as Near, except you had cool goggles. Plus, I was smarter than you."

"Eh, I don't like studying. If I did, I would have beaten both of you easy," Matt yawned.

"It's true, Matt has a higher IQ than both of us, and when he got bored enough to actually try on the standardized testing, he hardly ever got any wrong. He was just cursed by laziness, as most geniuses are," Near agreed.

"And I did too have lots of friends… probably more than you, actually."

"Well, I'm sure you had lots of fun having tea parties with Zelda, Pikachu, and Donkey Kong, but I don't think that their votes count in the real world," Mello sneered.

"Try Linda, Sam, Mesa, Ecchi, Tería, Sand, Riya, Mocha, Terence, Lenore, Resin, Karen, Oran, Vanael, Quelle, Brad, Pyre, and Felan. There's more, but I wouldn't want to bore you all to death," Matt said, grinning at Mello. "Also, if you want to keep the friends you have, it's best not to insult them."

"Don't you lecture me!"

"But Mello, a lecture would be longer and more involved, running through the full discussion of a given topic. Matt was just giving you a piece of advice, so I'm afraid your argument is baseless and illogical," Near said.

"Grr…" Mello growled.

"Well, Mello aside, it's good to see and/or meet all of you," L concluded.

"Hey, you guys should come back home with us!" Mikami exclaimed. "I think there'll be pie there!"

"Pie!" Sayu, Matsuda, and Raito shouted.

"Why did you shout 'pie,' Raito?" Higuchi questioned.

"Well, I knew Near wasn't going to, and I like when things come in groups of threes, it makes it flow better. Like how you're supposed to have three body paragraphs in an essay, or something. And things that come in threes, like triangles and triplets and trilogies, are cool too, right?" Raito explained.

"Right!" everyone agreed.

"What about the Three Musketeers?" Matsuda asked.

"Well, then I would have had four points, wouldn't I? And that would have invalidated my entire argument! Not only that, I believe that _technically _there were four of those as well."

"Ahh…"

"So, might I inquire as to what flavor the pie is?" Near asked.

"Ah, I believe it's cherry, although we do have some leftover pumpkin pie if you're not in the mood for cherry."

_"Wait, wait, wait!" Raye interrupted the flashback. "What does any of this have to do with saving the world? You guys are just talking about pie! I mean, that's just weird! Plus, if saving the world is so important, why are we flashing back on stupid things like this?"_

_Everyone glanced around furtively to see who could best answer the question. Eventually, Matt stepped forward. "First off, it might seem like it's urgent and that there's not much time left, but in the end I'd estimate that we have time for 280 long, involved side quests and 15,000,000 random monster encounters before anything happens. That's just how these things work. Next, by introducing the new characters like so, we were hoping to avoid a long, drawn-out introduction-type dialogue like in the last chapters, though I suppose we'll have to do another one of those anyway. As for the relevance of pie, well, if you had just gone with it for a little longer, everything would have been revealed and it all would have made sense. As it is, we're going to have to start the flashback again now."_

_"Oh… I see… Sorry."_

"_You should be."_

"Ah, I believe it's cherry, although we do have some leftover pumpkin pie if you're not in the mood for cherry."

"I like cherry."

"Then it's settled!" Everyone trooped back to the bakery, and Watari handed lovely slices of pie to many people. Mikami didn't take any because he was emo (even though it had been his idea to get pie in the first place), and Takada didn't take any because she didn't want to get fat (even though Misa should have been more worried about something like that if anyone was going to be).

"You know… This is actually a pretty nice place, once you get used to it," Raito said thoughtfully, sipping a cool drink between bites of tasty pie. "Maybe I should make this my light-filled paradise… After all, here nobody can kill me… no matter how hard they try or how much they might want to…" He glared at L and Near.

"We didn't want to kill you…" they demurred. "We just wanted to catch you and expose you for the criminal you were…"

"Which would lead to my execution!"

"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time," Matt said sagely. "Plus, if anyone here wanted to kill you, it would probably be Mello. He tends to get sort of violent."

Everyone looked over at Mello, who was struggling with his pie. "Cut, dammit! This stupid fork… Why doesn't it have a razor edge and why don't I have a knife? The hell! I mean… The Line… Dammit, I hate this place!" Everyone watched Mello storm away.

"I rest my case," Matt said smugly.

"Okay, then I apologize to you guys, I guess. But, uh, anyway, because we are dead, because it doesn't matter, and because _I'm not going to kill anyone this time_, I was thinking we could, you know, try to take over this place. So, if you guys wanted to join me… I mean, it's pretty fun ruling the world… ish… and I don't think it'll be hard… and we'll all be really, really powerful in the end. What do you say, guys?"

* * *

Xiana: Ooh Raito's got an evil plot! And so does Xiana! All the pieces are falling into place! Who is this Maiko kid? Why does he have a very girly name? Who are the other people Xiana Asuka Claimed at the beginning of the chapter? Will the readers like the new OCs? Will this flashback ever end? Will the questions ever end??????? Find out on the next installment of The Line! (Well, about three of the questions, at least.) 

Reviews are still appreciated. I will reply to them soon:D Typos will be fixed soon as well!

Next: Near is Indonesian, receptionists are nice, and Third Mateys pay the bills.


	6. Chapter 5: Near Has No Soul

Xiana: It's time for chapter 5! I hate school! It's truly tragic, but I have lost all motivation to do anything. And I'm getting sick too. Bleah! So I'm sorry that I haven't updated until now… but now I will! w00t! I've got some more review replies to do as well but ff is being weird, so I don't want to risk sending multiple replies... or something going horribly wrong... but rest assured I will do that as soon as it gets fixed.

If you have extra time and are bored, try reading the story again, and whenever Raye talks, try to picture it in his dub voice. LOLZ. It makes me happy because it's like three octaves down from what it sounded like when I wrote the dialogue.

Hopefully all the mistakes that were in this have been fixed...

Disclaimer: Matsuda is closer to owning Death Note than I am. This is not only because he actually has a relationship with the series other than being a hardcore fangirl (although he totally is), but also because he is an evil genius. Oh, Matsu…

Claimer: Apparently you guys really like Igor. Like a bunch. So he'll be returning in this chapter? I think… And then there're the other OCs that I also love, hopefully you guys will like them too. Maiko, Hiro, Yamato, Jun, and Mitsuki appear in this chapter! Also: I just made up Winston Scott Everfield out of nowhere. I like Winston Scott Everfield.

* * *

_Chapter 5: In Which Maiko Is Politically Incorrect and Near Has No Soul._

"…_we could, you know, try to take over this place. So, if you guys wanted to join me… I mean, it's pretty fun ruling the world… ish… and I don't think it'll be hard… and we'll all be really, really powerful in the end. What do you say, guys?"_

"I'm in!" Misa, Mikami, and Matsuda exclaimed. Misa said this because she deeply cared about Raito and would have followed him to the ends of the earth (Line?) if he had asked. Mikami was trying to make up for his earlier mistakes by proving his devotion to Kami-sama, although it mostly seemed like he was trying to suck up. Matsuda was just easily motivated, even from a less than stellar speech. His eyes were already glittering as he imagined the grand adventures he would go on with Raito (and his lovely wife Sayu too, of course). Also, his name started with an M, so in addition to triangulation, he also helped exemplify alliteration.

Raito smiled: Everything was going according to plan. With these first three, everyone else would soon agree, for whatever reason, whether it be jealousy, loyalty, or conformity.

"Well, I'm in then, too!" Takada said, scowling at Misa.

"I better come too, to keep an eye on Matsu… Honestly, he gets in such trouble sometimes," Sayu sighed.

"Huh? Oh, I guess I'll come too… Everyone else is…" Mello had returned, and decided that he wanted to just agree with everyone else on this one, since he didn't really know what they were talking about.

"Heheh…" And so the pieces were falling into place. Raito was a logical person, and he had learned from the past. This time, instead of working alone and being unwillingly joined by eager supporters, he would form a large, trustworthy group that would be better at supporting him! Although this might have been a rather unorthodox approach, and although many of the people here weren't very trustworthy, the fact remained: they were no longer among the living. A lot of impossible things become available to you once you and everyone you know are dead. Now it was time for the next three to swear fealty to his cause. Because everything comes in threes, of course, when you are Yagami Raito.

"Well, I'm certainly going to join…" Higuchi said, staring longingly at Takada.

"I might as well come… I mean I'm about the only one here with _real_ quest experience…" Matt said disinterestedly.

"I'm not asking for a resumé or anything, but real quest experience?" Raito had to question.

"Yeah, ten."

"Ten quests?"

"No, Final Fantasy X. If that doesn't count as a 'real quest,' I don't think anything does."

"I see."

"In my opinion, there doesn't seem to be any good reason not to," Near reasoned, "since it's not as if we can get injured along the road without instant healing, and to the best of my knowledge, it is impossible for a person who is already dead to die again, whether you consider us to be alive or not."

Matt raised his hand.

"No, Matt, zombies don't count."

Matt lowered his hand sadly.

"So, for what it's worth, I suppose I'm on your side, Raito," Near concluded.

Victory was within reach. But L hadn't agreed yet, and without L, Raito could never consider himself truly victorious. He was convinced that he would be able to seize control easily, but if Ryuuzaki would be working against him, everything would become much more complicated. Using Raito-reverse-backwards-sideways-inside-out-logic™, he appealed first to Watari.

"So, Mr. Watari, will you be joining us on our journey? We could really use someone with your baking talent to come along… I mean, technically we don't need to eat… but I think it would really improve morale…" _Plus Ryuuzaki can't live without sugar, and he has absolutely no baking skill whatsoever, so he'll have no choice but to come along…_

"So sorry, Raito, ol' bean, but I simply must stay here and watch the shop. Business has really been picking up recently, and, like we Brits always say, 'You can't make a profit, if non-paying customers scoff it.'"

"It's true…" L agreed.

"That's g-… too bad really." Raito had not expected that. _Why didn't it work?_ he wondered. Then he snapped his fingers in sudden understanding. "Aha! I know why that didn't work! I just forgot! Logic doesn't work on British people!"

"It's true…" L agreed.

"Which makes you wonder what they were really doing during the first half of the _Death Note_ series…" Matt interjected slyly.

"…"

"…Good point. Hey, wait, aren't you'n'Mello'n'Near British? How come I was able to convince you guys?"

"Well, I'm actually Indonesian," Near explained.

"Oh… you don't look…Indonesian…"

"Make no mistake, I'm of English descent, right back to Boudicca herself. I was merely _born_ in Indonesia, and consequentially, logic does work on me. I'm afraid that's one of my weaknesses."

"Oh, I see," Raito said politely. He didn't want to admit that he had no idea who Boudicca was.

"Boudicca, in case you didn't know, Raito-kun, was an ancient British queen who led her people to fight against the Romans back around 60 AD," L said helpfully.

Raito glared at L before turning back to more pressing matters. "But, Matt and Mello?"

"Mello? He's an American."

"Aww, man! I feel like eating a big ol' steak! But there's none here! Dammit, I just want to go out and shoot something!" So saying, Mello drew his gun and shot Matsuda.

Everyone besides Matt, Mello, Near, Watari, and L wondered why they hadn't figured that out earlier, and a lot of things suddenly made sense to a lot of people. Then Matsuda fell to the floor, bleeding and crying out in pain, Sayu began strangling Mello, and L got the chance to use his mad brain-surgery _schkazizzles_ again.

"Er, so, then, what about you, Matt?"

"Oh, I'm British, all right. You're just forgetting the corrupting and destructive power of video games."

"Ohhhh…"

"Yeah, they say I was born with a controller in my hands…" Matt reminisced before pausing. "Although that's completely stupid! And disgusting! That wouldn't work!"

"Calm down, Matt," Mello said. "Don't get so angry…"

"You're one to talk!" everyone yelled, pointing at Mello.

"So… What can I say that'll convince you, L?" Raito asked.

"Well, if logic doesn't work on me, then logically you're going to need to say or do something illogical that will convince me."

"Okay… Wait! You just used logic! But…"

"Just because logic doesn't work on me doesn't mean that I can't use it myself, Raito-kun."

"Oh… right. Ryuuzaki, would you accompany me into the other room?"

"…Why…?" Misa, Takada, Mikami, and L asked suspiciously.

"You people have so little faith in me? I'm hurt. I just wanted to go into the other room with him because, well, I pride myself on being logical, so if I allow myself to become illogical, well… it might be very embarrassing… I only want the necessary people –well, person, in this case- to see me like that."

"Oh," Misa, Takada, Mikami, and L said, relieved.

"…What do you mean 'Oh,' Mikami?" Raito rounded on him. "Why should anything I might or might not do with Ryuuzaki bother you in any way? You need to get over me, and you need to find yourself a woman! On second thought, I wouldn't wish you on anyone, not even Takada!" Mikami gasped, deeply hurt by the harsh words of Kami-sama. But Raito wasn't finished yet. "Why don't you go fall in a hole and die? Oh, wait, you're already dead! Why? Because you failed _me_, your god! And you feel like you have the right to question me? Why the hell would you think that! You absolute _moron_! I may be dead, you may be dead, we may still be walking around here for whatever reason, but you are officially _dead to me_. You no longer exist in my world. Now… the last words I will ever have for you. Goodbye, Mikami, and if you ever do something this impolite to me again, I will burn you. And explode you. And shoot you so many times that not even L will be able to fix you up. And you will regret ever even _hearing_ about me. Now, get out of my sight!"

"K-kami-samaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…" Mikami ran, sobbing, out of the door, and soon he had disappeared from sight.

Strangely not even the newcomers commented on Raito's harsh treatment of Mikami. Everyone else was used to it, but Near, Sayu, and Matsuda didn't have that excuse. Possibly, Sayu didn't care, Matsuda was still a bit confused from being shot in the head, and Near had no soul, though naturally there were other possibilities.

"Well, in that case," L said, breaking the silence the unhappy Mikami had left behind, "I'd be happy to talk to you in the other room."

Two and a half hours later, they emerged from the other room. "Okay, I guess I'll join you, then!"

"Great! Then let's go take over my –I mean, our, world!"

Suddenly, a-

"_Wait, wait, wait!" Raye yelled. "What happened to the other room? I mean… from what I know so far, it seems like that kind of useless information is the kind that you would just tell me, regardless of whether it made any sense."_

"_N-nothing, it was nothing!" Raito said hurriedly, shoving a conveniently located giant lollipop into L's mouth when he started to say something._

"_And, er, usually if it meant you guys were doing, you know, stuff, together, well, it seems that it would suddenly go into a lot of description, and from Raito's reaction, well, it kind of seems like that to me, at least…" Raye persisted._

"_Yeah, well, there are certain things that our narrator isn't exactly… comfortable with describing… if you know what I mean," Matt said._

"_No, it's not anything like that, right, L? It was just really, really embarrassing for me, huh?" Raito prompted._

_L magically finished his giant lollipop in time to respond. "That it was, Raito-kun. That it was."_

"_But what-"_

"_Hey, hey, we should wrap up this flashback really quick! I mean, it's almost over, and then you can ask your questions. Okay!?" Raito yelled._

"_Okay…"_

_But the flashback was doomed not to start right away because of a certain scene shift… due to a certain recurring reader request._

* * *

Somewhere, in the middle of the cloudy wasteland known as The Line, a man was sitting silently on the ground. This man's name was Igor Stravinski. He was Russian. He also had a fluffy, furry hat. This wasn't because he advocated cruelty to animals. This was because Russia was cold, and inasmuch as Igor was in the habit anything, he was used to wearing his furry hat. 

Igor liked his furry hat. He liked it very much.

Igor was sitting in the middle of the cloudy wasteland known as The Line because he had written names into the Death Note. Yes. The mild-mannered Igor was actually a cold-blooded killer.

But he only killed Greta because she didn't love him. And Catherine for the same reason. And he killed Peter because he was ugly. And he killed Alexi because, let's face it, that boy was a pain in the ass. And he killed Winston Scott Everfield because he was a foreigner.

Igor hated foreigners. Winston Scott Everfield was very, very foreign. Winston Scott Everfield was British. Britain was not Russia, and thus it was foreign. But it was only very, very foreign because it was an island.

Islands didn't exist in Russia. Everything in Russia was ice.

Ice and vodka.

Igor also didn't like middle names, and Winston Scott Everfield had a middle name. Winston Scott Everfield's middle name was Scott. Igor didn't like it one bit.

Igor was not going to move from the middle of the cloudy wasteland known as The Line because he was doing penance for his crimes of killing Greta and Catherine and Peter and Alexi and Winston Scott Everfield. That and he had nothing better to do.

Igor never did anything at all.

Igor once yelled at some people. One person had nice, bright red hair.

Igor hated him because he reminded him of Winston Scott Everfield.

But Igor had yelled at them nonetheless, and, having finally accomplished something, he was able to sit back and relax.

Although he had been doing that already.

Oh, Igor.

* * *

And then the actual flashback started…again. 

"Great! Then let's go take over my –I mean, our, world!"

Suddenly, a great spirit of flame appeared in the room. "Yagami Raito!" it boomed.

"Y-yes…?" Raito said timidly.

"Yagami Raito, you must abandon your quest immediately, or you will surely perish! We, the rulers of The Line, will not allow you to overthrow us. We will not allow you to seize command and begin a tyrannical reign. We will not allow you to form the fabled 'Mystical 12' and rule justly and wisely either."

"Er… All right…"

"If you do not cease and desist with your traitorous actions, we will not rest until you and everyone you have ever cared about are destroyed. _Fear teh mighty power of us!_ Love, Grand Lord Maiko, Second-in-Command Hiro Sekaichi, and Third Matey Johann Siegwitz." The fiery apparition than became a nice receptionist. "To hear this message again, please press 1. To delete this message, please press 2. If you are unsure what to do, please hit a random combination of the 7, 4, and 9 keys, and a decision will be made for you by an omnipotent being. Thank you." A number pad appeared, and Raito jabbed 2, having already committed the entire message to memory.

"Well, uh… two things. First of all, I still want to take over this world, secondly, what the hell?"

"Your second point was well articulated and easy to agree with, but your first one makes a bit less sense. Why do you still want to try to get the world under your control? They're obviously much more powerful than we are…" Near trailed off as Raito laughed pityingly.

"Oh, silly Near… Would you like to enlighten him, Matt?"

"Why, of course, Raito! Well, you see, it's quite simple. The bad guys are always,_ always_ more powerful than the heroes are at the beginning of the game, whether it's because you're at a low level or because you lack advanced and more powerful weaponry to defeat the malingerers. However, instead of deciding to completely annihilate your character at that point in time, they usually consider you to be beneath them, and will send only minions to 'crush' you, though they become progressively more difficult and powerful until the big baddie himself is forced to confront you. And by that time, it's too late for him!" Matt explained, pulling out a stack of diagrams to help illustrate his point.

"Oh, I understand. You're basically saying that we can still do it, because they're not going to do anything to us until it's too late," Near summarized, which really helped those who had been distracted by the shiny pictures on the diagrams.

"Exactly," Raito confirmed. "So you guys still want in?"

"Yeah!"

_And thus the flashback finally, _finally_ ended. Which means that present-day text will no longer be italicized except for emphasis. Sorry for the inconvenience._

"Yay!" Everyone cheered and applauded.

"It's finally over…" Raito sighed.

"Yeah, that only took 10 pages or so…"

"Oh, God, Raye, if you had just been there, we wouldn't have had to recap all that… we could have just had it written out normally… there wouldn't be the confusion with all the italics and everything…"

"Yeah, you just had to laugh at my joke, didn't you? Although, it's really the narrator's fault that you laughed…"

A ghostly, omniscient hand reached down and slapped those who had broken the fourth wall. Matt laughed smugly because it hadn't been him for once. All those who had been thinking of breaking the all-important wall cowered in fear, for ghostly hands are terrifying, particularly if they're omniscient, and if they're slapping people, well, it'd be surprising if you lived to tell the tale. Fortunately, everyone here was already dead, so they were all right in the end.

Besides the whole deadness thing.

"So, Raye, are you going to join us?" L asked.

"Oh, why yes, of course, but before I do, I had a quick question…"

Raito tensed. "AreyousureImeanwedohavetogetamoveonImeandoyoureally-"

"Oh, I understand, it's really quick, though, I promise."

"Okay…" Raito said resignedly.

"So, um… When did Mikami come back?"

"Huh? Mikami… he's here?" Raito sounded truly perplexed. A cough came from the crowd, and Mikami waved bashfully. "Oh, hi Mikami."

"Hey, Kami-sama!" Mikami said cheerfully while "Inner Mikami" cheered and squee'd and was generally very, very glad that his idol had acknowledged him again.

"Okay, cool!" Raye stood up. Many of his joints, which hadn't worked in 5 years, creaked, cracked, and groaned. The others winced at the horrific sound. Raye spent a minute stretching and then he was ready to join the grand quest to save –er, take over– the world!!!

--Somewhere, in a very dark room—

Three figures lounged together, discussing the situation. It was impossible to make out any of their features, and the only thing that could be told for certain was that one of them –apparently the leader– was very, very tall. He was the first to speak.

"It seems they know not when to give up. We must begin preparations to defeat them once and for all." His voice was deep and cultured, and he spoke flawless English with just a trace of a Japanese accent.

"Please, send me, Grand Lord!" The second person to speak had a slightly higher, though unmistakably masculine voice. "I'd be happy to kill them, in your name!"

"No, no, Hiro, that would be overkill. We don't need to have you waste your strength on the likes of them. I suggest we send Jun'ichi Sakamaru, the self-proclaimed 'least-powerful-non-incidental-and-nameless-minion.'" Grand Lord Maiko paused for a second before continuing. "Well, at least he's honest."

"Milord, I don't know… You heard what that one with the red hair said. Shouldn't we go out and destroy them right away?"

"Of course not, Third Matey! Don't you understand? That would be the thing to do if we were in a video game, but, well, we aren't. So you see our plan is truly flawless," Grand Lord Maiko chuckled.

"Plus we don't really like you," Hiro added.

"Well then, why am I third in command?"

"Because we fired Johann after we decided he wasn't Japanese enough for us, remember? And you were the only one who fit the bill, right, Third Matey Nihonjin Sakura Fuji Yamato?"

"Yeah… Oh! That brings me to my next point. I would like to request that we change the auto-signature on our message machine to include my name instead of the name of some Austrian guy that hasn't been part of this organization for 1400 years."

"Well, I'm sorry, but we really can't do that. Reprogramming those things is so hard…" Grand Lord Maiko sighed.

"Well then RTFM!"

"Eh?"

"Read The _Fine_ Manual!"

"I don't want to read it. Besides, I'm too busy ruling the world," Grand Lord Maiko explained.

"Plus we don't really like you," Hiro added.

"Anyway, do we all agree that we're going to send Jun'ichi?"

"Yes!" Hiro and Yamato agreed.

"In that case… Doris!" Grand Lord Maiko clapped his hands and a professionally dressed woman walked into the room. At least, one got the impression that she was professionally dressed, for, as earlier stated, it was a very dark room.

"Yes, Grand Lord, sir? What can I do for you?"

"Doris, be a good secretary and go fetch Jun'ichi Sakamaru here, all right?"

"Yes sir, but the term 'secretary' is rather offensive and derogatory to women. I'd prefer if you would refer to me as an 'administrative assistant.'"

"Yeah, well, no."

"Very well sir, I'll send him up." Doris adjusted her glasses and left the room.

"You know, I'm glad I forced her to change her name from 'Mitsuki' to 'Doris,'" Grand Lord Maiko thought aloud. "It still allows me to enforce my 'Asia-only' policy, but she sounds more like a proper secretary! Hahahaha!"

"Yeah, um, good work there," Hiro and Yamato said. Hiro glared at Yamato because he didn't like saying the same thing as him.

"Presenting Jun'ichi Sakamaru, Grand Lord." Doris bowed and left the room. A new figure stepped forward and was illuminated by a spotlight that shone from the ceiling into the center of the room. He was of about average height with dark, softly curling green hair and piercing brown eyes that slanted slightly upwards. He wore a simple black kimono with a white sash, and a pair of hand-woven straw sandals. He carried his weapon, a long and slightly curved sword, on his left side. The sheath was covered by a decorative enamel of lustrous obsidian, and the hilt was of burnished silver. His face was honest and open, and when he spoke, it was in a polite, musical voice.

"You sent for me, my lord?"

"Ahahaha…Ahahahaha…Ahahahahahahahahaha!" Grand Lord Maiko began laughing evilly. Hiro and Yamato joined in, and Jun'ichi did too, just to be polite. After a suitable amount of time, they all stopped in unison.

"Er, so, I'm terribly sorry, but why exactly were we laughing evilly?" Jun'ichi asked.

"Oh. Well, you see, I was thinking that we'd go to the dramatic fadeout. You always have to laugh evilly when you're the bad guy and you're going to the fadeout."

"We're the bad guys?"

"Well… maybe. Normally I'd say that since we're the more powerful, the rulers, and the evil-laughter-ers, that would make us evil-er, but in that group, they've got some pretty evil-laughter-ers themselves. I mean, have you seen that Yagami Raito kid?"

Everyone else shuddered involuntarily. Yes, they had seen that Yagami Raito kid in the middle of an evil-laughter-in spree, and they had not liked it.

"Well, anyway, Jun-chan, you're going to go after them and kill them, okay?" Grand Lord Maiko said.

"Okay… I can do that. Just… that Raito guy won't be laughing when I kill him, right? Because… that's a bit… scary…" Poor Jun-chan had, in fact, been highly traumatized by Raito.

"Oh, I'm sure he won't. People don't generally laugh while they're dying. They're generally too busy coming to terms with their lives and, well, dying. It's hard to multi-task at that stage of the game. I'm sure you'll be fine, especially if you sneak up and kill him quick." Grand Lord Maiko reassured him.

"Okay!" Jun'ichi cheered, then bowed before leaving the room.

"Next order of business. We really need to get a roofing guy in here to fix up that hole in the ceiling. I really am totally not diggin' that whole spotlight effect," Yamato said.

"Well, I would, but roofing guys are really very expensive. And they're very unreliable, and they tend to cost a _ton_ of money," Grand Lord Maiko said.

"Plus we don't really like you," Hiro added.

"…" Yamato ignored Hiro. "My next point. We should get the lights fixed in here. It's so inconvenient going to staff meetings and not being able to see anyone's face."

"Well, I kinda like the dramatic effect of not being able to see what anyone looks like. It's kinda mysterious, huh?" Grand Lord Maiko considered.

"And maybe if you paid the electric bills on time for once, we wouldn't be having this conversation at all!" Hiro shouted.

"Why do I always have to pay the bills? I hate paying bills!" Yamato whinged.

"Because. It's just the way of the world. The Third Matey has always paid the bills, and he always will," Grand Lord Maiko proclaimed.

"Noooooo! Why?"

"Er, because…" The scene began to fade and grow even darker than it had been. "Hey, is that hole up there closing, or something? Is it a cloud? Or is it night already?"

"No, Grand Lord. I believe that this is what you were talking about earlier! The dramatic fadeout!"

"Oh! You're so right! Quick, everyone, laugh like your lives depend on it! Even though we're dead!"

"Ahahah-" The laughing trio was cut off by the change of the scene.

--Back to the "Good Guys"—

"Dammit! Why do I always have to pay the bills!" Mello yelled angrily, as Mello was wont to do.

"Because you're the third in command in the chain," Near said, "and the third in command always has to pay the bills. It's just the way of the world."

"But I'm not third Matt is make him pay the bills," Mello said surprisingly calmly, though without proper punctuation.

"But L is here, and of course he was the original and best, aka Number 1. You gave up the chance to share with Near, so he's second. I'm just a distant fourth. Have fun there, Third Matey."

* * *

Xiana: Well I finally finished this chapter. It's been a month D: Unlike a certain other story of mine which hasn't been updated for a year… Blah. So I hope you liked the interlude with Igor, as well as the one with Maiko and co. Are you liking the new characters? Do you actually believe me now when I say there will be a plot? And I don't know about you, and this isn't a question, but the ending to this chapter is my personal favorite. 

Reviews will be replied to and given fluffy things to enjoy.

Next: Yama-chan exists, the Gettysburg Address is forgotten, and L gets scone'd.


	7. Chapter 6: L Gets Scone'd

Xiana: Ah! Yes! After a ridiculously long time away, I have returned to the realm of Death Note-ness to bring you the next chapter of this ridiculously cracked-out tale, The Line! It's not entirely my fault, as my notebook decided to mysteriously vanish for many months on end.

Aha! This chapter is pretty good. And it has A Plothole. And we finally figure out why L was there in The Line because obviously he wasn't a Kira! Weirdness.

Death Note: Another Note is a flippin' brilliant book. Just so's ya'll know. I figured it out! The mystery! Although I guess it might have been pretty obvious… The thing about it is that it relies on your preconceived notions about L to work right. Ne?

Review Reply to _XSorryNoAccountx:_ No, of course I don't hate Mikami! He's actually one of my favorite-er characters. He's just fun to make fun of, and he's an easy target :D We always torture the ones we love, ne?

Important Note: Oh, dear. To understand part of this chapter, you're going to need to read another story by me, "Your New Nickname." Even if you don't know anything about Kingdom Hearts or anything, you just have to, seriously. It's really short, so no worries there. I apologize in advance.

Disclaimer: I decided I don't hate Sidoh (sp?) as much anymore because his voice in the dub is so funny. It's perfect for him! Also he isn't as stupid in the anime, so that's good.

Claimer: I actually don't have any appearances by OCs in this chapter. Huh.

* * *

_Chapter 6: In Which L Gets Scone'd and Near Gets Drunk_

"_But I'm not third Matt is make him pay the bills," Mello said surprisingly calmly, though without proper punctuation._

_"But L is here, and of course he was the original and best, aka Number 1. You gave up the chance to share with Near, so he's second. I'm just a distant fourth. Have fun there, Third Matey."_

"Dammit, don't call me that! This phone bill is hard enough without your stupid comments!"

On the other side of the room, L, Raito, Misa, and Sayu were talking together while drinking tea and eating scones. Teatime was a strange British custom that the Japanese (and American and Indonesian) people here were willing to accept. Mostly because scones are tasty.

"Sayu, there's something I've wanted to ask you for a while, ever since you came here… Why are you here? And what did you mean when you said Matsuda screwed up, that you weren't in heaven?" Raito asked, having suddenly remembered L's astute point from two chapters ago.

"Oh, haha, you don't want to hear about that."

"Yeah, I think I kinda do."

"No, no, really you don't. I think you'd rather EAT ANOTHER SCONE!" Using surprising strength, Sayu picked a scone off of the plate and forced in into Raito's mouth, knocking him off of the couch as a result.

"Wow. It seems that the entire Yagami family reacts the same way when they are trying to hide something that they feel embarrassed about," L hypothesized.

"I'm not covering anything up! Now DRINK YOUR TEA!" Sayu threw the hot, 70 percent sugar (L was working on cutting back) tea into L's face.

"Maybe not exactly the _same_ way… Sayu seems to be a lot more violent…" L amended. "At least Raito gave me that lolly that one time…"

"Well then, why don't you EAT ANOTHER SCONE!" Thus, Sayu scone'd L, who toppled blissfully off the couch to land beside a choking Raito.

"Mmf, yeah, that's more like it… Watari's scones are the best…" L mumbled.

"So, Sayu, were you being naughty?" Misa teased.

"Haha, well, maybe a little… I mean, we are married, after all… and what's a stripper or two between friends?" Sayu admitted shyly.

"Oh, you little vixen! I knew you were a bad girl! Male strippers, right?"

"Naturally! Here's what happened…" Sayu began whispering in Misa's ear, and both girls were soon wearing bright smiles and giggling.

"It's strange how girls always want to tell secret stuff to other girls… I understand why she didn't want to tell her older brother, but I thought I'd be trustworthy, at least…" L sighed, still lying on the floor. He looked down at Raito, who seemed to be turning blue. He prepared to perform CPR, then thought better of it and turned back to the girls. "Misa?"

The icy daggers that Misa shot at him with her eyes were no less real for the facts that they weren't visible and that they didn't stab L to leave him dead(er). "_What_, Ryuuzaki."

"I was just wondering if you wanted to do CPR on Raito-kun, or if I should just do it myself."

"You can do it yourself! Now, don't interrupt 'girl time' unless you want to die again! I can promise you that it'll be more painful this time around…" Misa threatened while Sayu glared aggressively.

"Okay, sorry to bother you." L turned his attention back to Raito. He first performed the Heimlich Maneuver to get the last few crumbs of soggy scone out of Raito's lungs, then sucked down a lot of air and pressed his mouth firmly to Raito's. Unfortunately, his technique was a bit lacking because he never went up for more air.

Somehow, Raito still woke up and was alive-ish again. He gently returned the Kiss of Life with some tongue action of his own before pushing L off slightly so that they could talk. "Mmm… you taste like sugar, Ryuuzaki…"

"Don't I always?" L chuckled.

"Yeah, but more than usual…" Raito gently licked L's lips. "I'm sure of it."

"That's probably because of your sister. She threw my tea at me and it splashed all over…"

"Mmm… Want me to help you get it off?"

"Well, that's a tempting offer, but I'm going to have to pass on that, Raito-kun."

"I've told you before… you can drop the formalities, Ryuuzaki… After all we've been through together, you of all people should be able to call me by my first name…"

"Very well, _Raito_, but in that case, I must ask that you call me by my real name. I told it to you for a reason, you know…"

"Very well, _Lawliet_." Raito and L stared into each other's eyes. Sadly, this beautiful moment was ruined by squealing and the occasional "OMG!"

"Oh, right!" Raito suddenly remembered what he had been doing before choking to death-ish and being revived by (read: smooching) Ryuuzaki… er, Lawliet. "Now, Sayu, as your older brother, I want you to tell me exactly what you meant."

Sayu, L, and the narrator sighed. Sayu sighed because she was going to have to tell Raito the truth. L and the narrator sighed because they had been looking forward to a nice long makeout scene.

Many people in the background were feeling ignored because they hadn't been mentioned in a while. So they decided to play a nice, rousing game of Go Fish. Except for Matsuda, who stood by his darling wifey's side in times of turmoil and wasn't very good at Go Fish anyway.

"Hmm… Should I start with why we were where we were? Or why we died in the first place?"

"I'll tell why we died…" Near stated, "seeing as how it was my fault…ish." He coughed to get everyone's attention, since he didn't want to have to repeat himself or resort to a flashback. Then he slapped Mikami, who wasn't part of "everyone" and only paid attention to coughs when they came from the divine throat of Kami-sama.

"It's a short story, for once. I was back in Japan under the name of L, working on a serial killer case. I decided to contact the police, since I had worked with them before, and because with Aizawa in charge, things actually got done…"

"Hey, I was sort of Kira at the time… Do you really expect me to do any work on the Kira case that would get me killed? I'm not incompetent!" Raito yelled, taking personal offense.

"No, not you, Raito-kun. I was talking about…" Near paused dramatically (a very un-Near-like thing to do) before continuing, "…NPA Director Takimura!!"

"Aha!" the others shouted, even those who didn't really know about NPA Director Takimura.

"Right, him. Haha… Mello kidnapped him, but I killed him!" Raito laughed. "Okay, I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions, Near! Please, continue!"

"Apology accepted. Anyway, I formed an elite group made up of people that had names. Anonymous Policeman 4, 7, and 29 tried to join the group, but naturally, I wouldn't let them, being an evil, er, good mastermind and all. So it was Aizawa, Mogi, Sayu-"

"Sayu? What? Wait, what?"

"Oh, yes, she became a police officer. She was quite good at it, too, considering that she's not a mad, er, sane genius like the rest of us were."

L, Watari, Misa, Mello, and Matt laughed and agreed. Takada, Higuchi, Sayu, Matsuda, and Raye cried because they weren't geniuses. Raito cried because he hadn't really been sane at the time. Mikami cried because neither applied to him.

"As I was saying, it was Aizawa, Mogi, Sayu, Ide, Matsuda, and Yamamoto."

"He was the guy I went drinking with!" Matsuda exclaimed. "He wore glasses and had kinda cool and spikety-ish hair and I liked him because he was stupider than me!" he continued, to the benefit of the characters who had never met him and the readers who had forgotten or had not known that Yama-chan existed.

"Yama-chan?" Matt questioned.

The narrator reserves the right to give characters new and/or questionable nicknames as she sees fit, Mattsy-poo.

"Wait just one moment there, narrator ol' buddy ol' pal, I'll let you off easy this time because you might not know, but I am the one and only person who can call him 'Mattsy-poo,' " Mello said.

"Call me that, and I'll rip out your intestines and beat you with them," Matt said kindly.

"Ohh… that's no good… I can't do reconstructive intestinal surgery, just brains," L said.

"_I _can do reconstructive intestinal surgery," Higuchi said, but no-one paid attention.

"Well then, what can I call you? Matt the Mat? Matt the Rat? Matt the… er, Hat?"

"Let's go with… no." Matt was evidently unimpressed with Mello's rhyming skills. The others agreed with Matt's assessment.

"Well then, uh… Matt-urity? Matt-tsutake? Matt-ress? Matt… Matt-tsuda?"

"That… doesn't work."

"If it's nicknames you're after, I highly recommend 'Frog-Muffin.' I read it once, in a story about nicknames, and it was really funny!" Raye piped up. He was immediately stabbed by the invisible hand of justice, which just so happened to be carrying an invisible broadsword of justice.

"What the hell, dude? I'm one of the people who is not allowed to break the wall, EVER, and even I know that that… that was just fucked up, dude," Mello said, slipping into his American accent in his anger.

"Yeah! What the hell is wrong with you! You… Augh! It's bad enough that we all seem to know that we're characters from a book series that have found ourselves in a fanfiction in which we are all dead, but still manage to talk to the narrator and have flashbacks and stuff, but now you're referencing another fanfiction by this same author, and a crappy one to boot? I'm glad you got stabbed by the invisible hand/broadsword of justice!" Raito cried passionately.

"You suck, man." With these words from Mikami, the fourth wall was wholly and irrevocably destroyed. This sudden deterioration caused a wormhole to appear within the fabric of time and space. This wormhole sucked our heroes in, depositing them in a completely different universe. Except not really, because somebody pushed "rewind" at the last second (it was probably God, or at the very least Buddha), and so they went back to trying to come up with a nickname for Matt with no memory of what had just happened.

"How about… er, Matt-muffin?"

Well, mostly with no memory of what had just happened. It's hard work being an omniscient narrator-person. Sometimes when you're erasing memories, you erase too little. Other times, you erase too much.

"I no longer have the Gettysburg Address committed to memory!" L announced proudly.

"Er, why are you proud about that?" Raito asked.

"Well, it's more memory space I can use for more _important _things, if you know what I mean…"

"Yeah, like the Constitution or Declaration of Independence!"

"Um… no, Raito… I meant like things like… between you and me…"

"Oh. Ohhhhhh. I get it! Haha, riiiiiiiiiiight. It's just that last time you said something like that, I thought the way you're thinking now, and I was wrong, so I thought maybe I should think the way you were thinking, but I think I thought wrong, but not _wrong_, because _wrong_ was right, in the end," Raito thought aloud.

"I think so too."

"I love you, Lawliet."

"I love you too, Raito."

"Er, back on topic… ish… Matt-muffin is fine. If you're going to ask why, it's because if we keep going like this, I guarantee he'll suggest 'Matt-ematics.' "

Somewhere in another universe, two girls started laughing hysterically.

"Now that we've finished with our… amusing diversions, I would like to be getting back to my story… So that was our group. We developed a plan to catch the criminal when he left his apartment and present overwhelming proof that he was the killer, namely the butcher knife and severed head that he carried with him everywhere for some reason. By the way, do you have any 7's, Takada?"

"No. Go Fish," Takada said triumphantly.

"Hm. Looks like I got the card I wanted, so I'll go again. Anyway, we were going to corner him in Tokyo Square, that densely populated area constantly filled with people. Matsuda and Sayu were going undercover and incognito as a married couple, which wasn't hard since they were. Aizawa and Mogi were taxi drivers, Ide was acting as a sales clerk in a nearby department store, which wasn't really of much help in the end, and Yamamoto was a roving cosplayer."

"Whom did he cosplay as?" Misa asked.

"Oh, he was that one guy from that one band! He was exactly the same, he looked sooooo cute!" Sayu exclaimed.

"Really? Ah, wow, that's awesome! I wish I could have seen it…"

"Er, yes, so he was a cosplayer, and I was a bus driver, driving a bus full of young children to school. We were going to corner him and arrest him…"

"But then something went horribly wrong… right?"

"Yes. Higuchi, do you have any 2's?"

"Yeah, here you go."

"Thank you. Anyway, we had stayed up for a long time the night before, working on the plot, so I was a bit tired in the morning. I sent Yamamoto, the least-important person, to get something that would keep me awake."

"It wasn't my job for once!" Matsuda cheered.

"I thought that he was going to bring me coffee. And he did. Sort of. Except for he decided that a couple shots of tequila would liven it up. Namely, twelve. And that was kind of a problem. I didn't realize that I was intoxicated, so I just got on the bus as planned. Well, er, things got a little out of hand, and I, well… drove the bus into a huge crowd of people. You see, when I drink alcohol, I become a bit… silly…" Poor Near looked as if he had never said the word "silly" in his life. Which was ironic, since he was dead. "In the end, my befuddled brain decided that, rather than go through with the plan, it would be best to confront the culprit directly. Unfortunately, I've never been a very good driver, so I accidentally drove… into the department store. I accidentally also killed Ide and a couple of passers-by. Sayu and the others rushed over right away, except for Yamamoto, who was getting his picture taken with some fanboys. And then the bus exploded. Raye, do you have a five?"

"Huh? Oh… yeah."

"Thank you. Well, Sayu and Matsuda died almost instantaneously, and the rest of us clung to life a while longer. I was the last to succumb to my injuries. When I finally did die, I landed in this place because I wrote Mikami into the notebook."

"So you did cheat!" Raito and Matsuda yelled.

"No, it wasn't cheating. I was simply using the resources I had at my disposal. Isn't that how you killed L? By making the most of what you had?"

"Well… yes…" Raito admitted grudgingly.

"But you know, I always thought of that as cheating… I personally think that I'm smarter than Raito, so really I was the one who should have won…" L sighed.

"Yeah, maybe, but I was _definitely_ smarter than Near, and I _definitely_ would have won… if everyone around me hadn't screwed up!" Raito shot a poisonous glare at Mikami, who gulped nervously before daring to speak.

"Um… Kami-sama… it's really not all my fault, even though you always blame me… Er, Mello kidnapped Takada, so it was his fault that I failed you… and because of that shinigami, Mello was still alive… so I was just the last of a long line of failures. So… if you still want to blame me… I think it's only fair that you treat those others with equal disdain," he said bravely.

"Well, that would be fair, but Mello already gets a lot of disdain from Matt, and now that Near is here too, anything I say will just be redundant. And that shinigami isn't here, and he's probably not even smart enough to understand anything mean I say to him. So you're pretty much it, Mikami, although I suppose I can be mean to Takada too, since…well, I mostly just don't like her."

"Fair enough," everyone agreed.

"So, anyway, it was a good idea that I did kill him, or I would have gone directly to hell."

"Why? You did so much good in the world!" L said.

"Yeah, but that was before I killed 40-odd pedestrians and nearly 100 children."

"Ah. Right."

Sayu sighed and prepared to tell her part of the story, but Raito interrupted.

"Wait, wait, wait. What about you, Lawliet? You did a lot of good things for the world, you didn't write anyone in the Death Note, and I don't think you ever did anything bad… so why are you here instead of in heaven? If anyone deserves to be in heaven, it's you…"

"Thanks, Raito. I was wondering when somebody would ask that. You see, it all started when I died…"

"Hey, wait, shouldn't we do this flashback-style?"

"Yeah, we haven't had one of those yet this chapter."

"Plus those italics are really starting to grow on me."

The invisible, omniscient hand and broadsword of justice waved angrily. Then they realized that they were invisible, so they decided to stab the closest person to get the message across. And so Raye was stabbitied.

"Wait! Why? I didn't do anything that time!" he complained, but nobody paid attention because they were too busy getting ready for the flashback.

_/--Approximately-35-Seconds-After-L-Died--/_

_"Wow, so this is heaven! It sure is a lot shinier than I figured it would be! And look at all the angels!" L was walking through the streets of heaven, which were just like normal streets in the mortal world. He looked very peculiar, because although he was wearing his usual clothes, he had large white, feathery wings growing out of his back and a sparkly halo floating over his head._

"_Hey, L? Is that you?"_

_L turned around to find himself face-to-face with a tall woman who had long, dark hair and was dressed all in black. "N-Naomi? Naomi Misora?"_

"Naomi! Was it really her?" Raye interrupted, as he often did in the middle of flashbacks.

"Yes, it really was Naomi," the present-day L sighed, hoping that his tragic tale would not be interrupted as much as previous tales had. Sadly, it didn't seem likely, since the people here loved to get off-topic and then off the new topic until they finished that third topic and went back to the second topic and then onto a fourth before they finished both that and the second topic, at which point the originator of the first topic had to hurriedly continue with his or her own story before the gang went off on something completely different.

"My beloved Naomi… So you're alive after all!"

"Uhhhh… no."

"…"

"…Anyway… So she told me a bit about heaven…"

_"Here in heaven, there are basically three types of people. The first is normal people like us, who lived virtuous lives before they died. The second is the Original Angels, who were the ones that were originally created to inhabit heaven."_

"_And the third?"_

"_God."_

"_I see."_

"_Anyway, you can tell Original Angels apart from normal people by their clothes. They wear these big white robes. Also, their wings are generally more feathery. And as for God, well, you'll know him when you see him."_

"_Hmmm… Naomi-chan, do Original Angels have the power to transfer people between dimensions?"_

"_Huh? Oh, yes, I think so… but why?"_

"_Oh, no reason…" L smiled and ran off to the nearest robed man. "Excuse me, but are you an Original Angel?"_

"_Er… no, I was just wearing my bathrobe when I died."_

"_Oh. Well, sorry to bother you." Several bathrobe-clad strangers later, L finally found an Original Angel. Naomi was tagging along, wondering what L was going to do._

"_Yes, I'm an Original Angel! My name is Sam! What can I do for you?"_

"_Hi, Sam. I'm L. Now, a wise friend of mine once told me, 'After you die, if someone gives you a choice between regular heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might just be a joke, but if not, mmmm boy!' And so I'm here to choose pie heaven. Please take me there now."_

"_Um… first of all, no one gave you a choice."_

"_Yeah, I'm just going to assume that you guys forgot."_

"_Uh… and second… pie heaven doesn't exist."_

_"It does too, you big liar!" L stuck his tongue out at poor Sam, who was very confused. "Well, fine, if you don't want to just take me there… how about we play a little game…?"_

_"…What kind of game…?" Sam asked nervously._

_"Heheheheheheh… Rock Paper Scissors, of course!" L beamed._

_"Oh," Sam said, relieved._

_"So if I win, I get to go to pie heaven! And to be fair or whatever, if I lose, you can send me down a level or something. And nothing will happen to you either way, since I was the challenger. Sound fair?"_

_"I guess…" Sam still wasn't sure that pie heaven existed._

_"All right, best two of three, show on 'Scissors' all right with you?"_

_"Yes."_

_Both combatants mentally prepared themselves, then shouted "Rock, Paper, Scissors!" Both were paper._

_"Rock, Paper, Scissors!" Both were paper again._

_"Rock, Paper, Scissors!" Paper._

_"Rock, Paper, Scissors!" Paper._

_"Rock, Paper, Scissors!" Paper._

_"Rock, Paper, Scissors!" Paper._

_After about a week of this, Naomi left._

_Eventually, Sam chose scissors, so L lost the first round. But that was all according to plan, because L showed rock the next round, and won._

_"It's time for the last round, the final battle, Sam-kun."_

_"Yeah."_

_"There is a 70 percent chance that you will choose rock next, 20 percent that you will choose scissors, and 10 percent paper." L had decided that Sam-kun wasn't that smart, and would easily fall for this trick and display paper, so he planned to choose scissors._

_"Rock, Paper, Scissors!" Scissors. Rock._

_"What!" Sam-kun wasn't smart enough to reason through that to beat L's masterful-ish plan… so how could he have won? "What happened?"_

_It turned out that Sam was even stupider than L had given him credit for. "Well, I figured that if there was a 70 percent chance that I was going to choose rock, then I should probably go along with the laws of probability and choose rock. So I did!"_

_"Darn… that means I'm going… down. Um… Sam-kun? Before you send me down, can you tell me… exactly where I'm going? Hell?"_

_"Of course I can tell you! And not hell, silly. It is a place between up here and down there, where they stick the people that used_ EVIL SHINIGAMI NOTEBOOKS TO KILL PEOPLE!! _And they call it The Line."_

_"Oh, well it sounds like I'll see some old friends there eventually!" L said, deciding to look on the bright side of the situation. He might not be going to pie heaven, but he also was not going to hell, and he could hood up with his two best (and only) friends again. Perhaps life… no, death, wasn't going to be so bad after all._

"And the funny thing is that I did 'hook up' with one of those friends not long after that!" L said.

"R-Ryuuzaki… You did what with my Raito now?" Misa yelled, standing up and getting ready to hit L.

"Huh? Raito? I was talking about you, Misa."

"Wh-what?"

"The time you and I went fishing, remember? You said that Raito never wanted to go with you-"

"How can you want to go fishing? Ugh… worms are so creepy… and you have to stab them to get them on the hook… and then you have to pull the icky, slimy fish out of the water… and pull the hook out of its mouth… and then if you're not doing catch-and-release you have to slice it open and get all the guts out, and what do you do with those? Just dump them in the water? And if you're doing catch-and-release then you just take the hook out and throw the damned thing back in the lake! And then you have to put another worm on because _obviously_ you're sport fishing because _obviously_ sitting in a _goddamn_ boat the whole _goddamn_ day counts as exercise!" Raito cried passionately. He was very good at crying passionately, as he had had many opportunities to practice.

"-so I volunteered to go with you, we 'hooked up' our lines, and the rest, as they say, is history," L continued, serenely unaware of Raito's interruption. Then he frowned. "What did you guys think I meant? Is there another meaning of 'hook up' that I'm unaware of?"

"Uh… yes, there is…"

"Well, what is it, Raito? You can tell me…"

"Uh… later, okay?"

"Okay!"

"All right, before we go off on another random tangent as usual, I have an important question!" Raye exclaimed. "You say that Naomi found you up there in heaven, but... how could she? I mean, when she worked with you, you just talked through the phone and computer with the 'L' letter. So how did she know it was you?"

"Actually, she did see me… but she never realized it was me."

"So then how did she know?"

"That's a very good question, Raye-san."

When L didn't say anything else, Raye pressed, "And the answer to my very good question is…?"

"Um… the answer is… Plothole!"

"Oh, okay," Raye said. He was relieved because it meant that his fiancée hadn't had dealings with other men, even someone as weird as L and in a professional environment. You see, Raye was quite the jealous type, so it was really for the best that he had never learned about Naomi and B.

"Plotholes aside, I also have something very important to say," Near said. "I would like to make a motion that none of us supergeniuses, that is to say L, Raito, and I, should never, ever be allowed to play Rock Paper Scissors with each other or anyone else."

"Hey, wait! Why aren't I on the supergenius list, Near? I might have been second back then, but now I'm going to be 100 percent for sure the best! …Besides L of course, no one can beat him," Mello said angrily.

"coughIdidcough" Raito coughed.

"Oh, Kami-sama! Are you okay? Do you want a lozenge?" Mikami asked urgently.

"Lozenge?"

"Yes… er, cough drop. This one I have with me is cherry." Mikami, like all good prosecuting attorneys, carried a healthy supply of lozenges… er, cough drops, with him at all times.

"Uh, sure." Raito took the lozenge. "Mmm… cherry is my favorite…"

"I like strawberry!" L said.

"No one asked you…"

"I know, I just felt like saying something."

"As for you, Mello, you weren't one of the supergeniuses because you don't have the patience to think and over-think your opponent's next move. Similarly, I don't want to put that kind of effort into such a simple game," Matt said.

"Yes, Mello, you've always been a man of action. That's one of the things I like most about you," Near said.

"Eeeww… Are you coming on to me, dude?" Mello backed away disgustedly.

"Coming…? Oh, you think that I'm attracted to you. Well, that's not the case, and even if it were, you have too much animosity towards me and too much affection for Matt to make it work out between us," Near reasoned.

"Yeah! That's right! Oh, what now? Looks… like I showed… Hey! I am _not_ in love with Matt!"

"You don't need to deny it, Mello-chan. We all know…" Sayu sighed. "I mean, I've only known you for a couple weeks, not counting the time you kidnapped me, and even way back then, you were always running around the Mafia hideout in a panic because you had to go home to Matt and you never knew what to say to him, and you always came to _me,_ your _hostage_, looking for advice on what you should _wear _that would make your roommate fall madly in love with you."

"I did not!"

"Oh, you did so, you big baby. And it didn't quite work, though I did notice and like the navy blue sweater you wore one day. It accentuated your eyes better than the usual black does," Matt said.

"Really? You liked it? Er… I mean, I'm glad you liked it, but I don't love you!"

Matt raised one eyebrow and pulled out a letter addressed to him covered with hearts and confetti and confessions of love, then revealed that it was from Mello.

"I wrote that when I was 6! I didn't like girls because I thought they had cooties! Are you seriously going to hold me to that?"

Matt then showed everyone that the letter was dated approximately 3 months before he died.

"I meant that I loved you as a _friend_! And I was just asking Sayu for advice because when you're in the Mafia, the way you dress matters!"

"You know, I told you that if anything would do it, that was it…" Sayu said. "I guess I was right."

"Yeah, Sayu, good job. You did about as well as could be expected considering that I'm me and Mello's Mello," Matt said.

"I am NOT in love with MATT!" Mello screamed.

"All right, let's get back to our vote, shall we?" Near suggested.

"What vote?" asked nearly everyone. Raito and L did not ask because they were smart and remembered what had been going on a page or two ago. Mello did not ask because he was too busy crying. Well, that is, if Mello cried, which he most certainly did not, seeing as how unmanly it was. Although, if a tear ever did fall from his eye, it would surely be a very manly tear. You see, appearance aside, Mello was really quite a manly man.

As for Matt, he did not ask because, as he very eloquently stated, "I'm just that badass."

"We're voting on whether we can play Rock Paper Scissors," Near explained to everyone save Raito, L, Mello, and Matt.

"I say Yes!"

"I say No!"

"I say… er, Maybe!"

* * *

Xiana: There you have it. It's the end of the chapter that took a long time to put up. I'm sorry everyone…especially since this didn't move the plot forward at all. Apparently it hates my italics so sorry about that.

It seems we're getting into some sort of a love triangle with Mello, Matt, and Near. Because you know Mello's totally in love with Matt, and Near was just lying when he said he didn't care about Mello, and Matt's in love with his video games most of the time. Maybe it's a love square.

The usual questions: Will something actually happen next time? Why was there no good place to end this chapter? How did Watari get to The Line? What happened to Naomi? Why is Raito always wrong? What's going to happen with Jun'ichi? When will I update next? I don't know, but rest assured, I haven't abandoned this story.

Next: Near's past is revealed, Jun'ichi learns how to kill Raito, and Raye is an inanimate object.


	8. Chapter 7: Watari Gets A Hat

Xiana: I managed to put up another chapter on time for once. Hopefully that will motivate some of you to review… NO I'M NOT BITTER!

Disclaimer: It was wicked awesome, we went to see the movie in the theatre. In English dub. It was absolutely badass, and it was a lot less annoying without the really bad subtitles. Now let's hope the next two movies get brought over here too!

Claimer: I actually did have an OC in the last chapter, Sam-kun. Sorry. In this chapter there is also Jun, Maiko, Hiro, Yamato, Miki, and this new kid Naoki. He's a very lovable character, I'm sure you'll agree.

* * *

_Chapter 7: In Which Watari Is a Rock Paper Scissors Champion and Also Gets a Hat._

"_I say Yes!"_

"_I say No!"_

"_I say… er, Maybe!" _

"Children, children, calm down!" Raito and L said together. This was ironic because they were the most childish of everyone there, except for Mello of course.

"Okay…"

"All right, I say we shouldn't be able to!" L said. "Because Raito and I would be playing it forever, and you guys don't want to see that, right?"

"Mm, yeah," many people agreed.

"But then us genius types could entertain ourselves without making fun of you non-geniuses!" Raito pointed out.

"Well, yeah," many others agreed.

"But Rai-chan, you don't want to play Rock Paper Scissors with me, because you'll be very stressed and start overthinking stuff again, and I might too! So you see, it's really not a very good thing because we could be doing so many other things instead…"

"Like making out or having se-"

"No, Raito! Like re-memorizing the Gettysburg address or something like that…"

"Damn… I got it wrong again! But you do have a point… All right! Everyone should vote yes on this amendment," Raito said.

"Okay, all in favor say aye!"

"Aye!"

"And those not in favor say nay."

"Nay!" said Raye.

"Then the resolution passes unanimously," said Near, who was happy that everyone had listened to him for once, for you see, nobody listened to him when he was a child, which was quite tragic because it led to the demise of his family. Young Near, affectionately known as Li'l Natey by his parents and Li'l Poopy Baby Head by his older brother Mark, had warned them. He told them not to go into the abandoned, haunted, piranha-filled, dark mineshaft-catacombs, but nooooooo! Nobody ever listens to the three-year-old! He had stayed outside, while the others ventured into the rather hazardous situation. The family had been miraculously returning from their peril-fraught adventure when a mysterious figure jumped between them and the toddler. And then he stabbed them. Now, you see, this mysterious figure was actually a mime, so he didn't _really_ stab them. He just pretended to. Mimes generally don't actually use inanimate objects, for you see, they prefer to pretend they have them. In actuality, this is because mimes, as a species, are very poor.

It was for this reason that this particular mime had turned to a life of crime. After listening to the heartbeats of his victims with an imaginary stethoscope, he discovered that they were still alive. He gasped dramatically and silently to his non-existent audience. It is true that Near was in the audience, but, well, he was three years old, so he didn't count.

Then the mime took out his invisible gun. (It was a silencer.) This gun actually existed, unlike the knife, stethoscope, and audience. It also wasn't _technically _invisible, because obviously, invisible things don't really exist. It was simply a gun painted to match the background scenery. The mime shot Near's mother and father, but not Mark or Near because he only had two bullets. Mark started crying, as most children would, highly traumatized by the death of his parents. Near just walked off and enrolled himself in the nearby Wammy House. As for the mime, well, he kept getting blown away by intense winds and trapped inside glass boxes.

The Silent Killer had struck again, and another family had been destroyed. And so Near's life started tragically, and so it ended tragically.

"So are you just tragically unlucky, or tragically tragic?" Raye asked.

"Er… well, I suppose tragic, because everyone around me basically dies… but I am the one that must continue living… It is the ones that are left behind that must suffer."

"Speak for yourself," L muttered. "I died and got to hang around with Raye and Higuchi for five years…"

Raito hugged L. "Aww, I'm here for you now… Don't worry… I'm sorry that I killed you and that you had to suffer… I shouldn't have killed you… You probably won't be able to forgive me…"

"No, Raito, I already did. Like I said before, you had no choice. You had to kill me. And it all worked out in the end, because now we're here, together."

"Ohh, Lawliet…"

"Raito!"

"Huh?" Raito blinked. That wasn't the kind and compassionate voice of his lover… er, eternal rival. It was vaguely familiar… He couldn't quite remember…

"Raito!" Misa yelled again.

"Oh, right, I forgot about you…"

"What? How could you forget about the girl you love, Raito-kun?"

"Um… er…" Raito didn't really have an answer for that one. So he decided to make something up instead. "Well, it was probably because of… Matsuda! Yes! He hit me on the head, causing temporary amnesia, and I forgot a whole bunch of things, such as your existence, my beloved Misa-chan, as well as the fact that he was the one who did it!"

"Oh, I see," said Matsuda, who didn't remember, but thought it quite possible that he had in fact done it and had cleverly given himself amnesia afterwards to cover it up. 'Cuz he's smart that way.

"Oh, okay." Misa was easily appeased. "But what are you doing, hugging Ryuuzaki like that? Shouldn't you be hugging me instead?"

"Uh… well…"

"We could always compromise," L suggested.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you could hug Raito and I could hug Raito and he could hug us both and it would be like a giant group hug, except with only three people."

"Okay!" So they hugged Raito and Raito hugged them and it was like a giant group hug, except with only three people.

"I have another question!" the ever-inquisitive Raye announced.

"Yes, Raye?" Near sighed.

"What happened to Mark?"

"Well, he was initially traumatized, but he found a way to repress his memories and was able to live a normal-ish life with my aunt and uncle. Ironically enough, I think he later went on to become a mime himself."

"…" Everyone paused to consider this startling information. Until Raye remembered a question that he had meant to ask (and that the narrator had meant to have him ask) quite a while ago.

"Why didn't you count me! I voted no on that amendment, and you said it was unanimous! Don't I count? I want to count… I think I should!"

"Go ahead then, it starts with one, then two…" Matt said sarcastically, but he was ignored.

"Well, Raye, we didn't count your vote because you're really more of an inanimate object…" Near decided.

"He does spend a lot of time just sitting till on the ground when we aren't around," said Higuchi, and if anyone would know, it would be him.

"He certainly is an inquisitive inanimate object, though…. I mean, I've never seen a man who asked so many questions!" Takada complained.

"I'm not an inanimate object… Am I?" Raye asked sadly.

"Yeah, Raye. You are," Raito said.

"Raito, you shouldn't talk to inanimate objects. It's not good for your mental health," L advised.

"No, it's only bad if they start answering you."

"Oh, you're so right, Raito!"

"Yeah. Now… are you going to let go of me soon?"

"Never!" they proclaimed.

"Oh… Okay…"

"But Misa-san, you should probably hug me as well, with one arm, and then I would b happy to do the same for you," said L.

"But… why would I want to hug _Ryuuzaki_ when I could hug Raito-kun instead? Eww!"

"Not because you would want to hug me, but because it would make Raito happier."

"Eh? Why would Raito want me to hug you? Unless this is just another one of your evil plots to get me to like you instead, which just won't work!"

"Well, I do like you, Misa-san, and I can't say for certain that I don't like-you-like-you at least a little, but I believe that Raito is the only man for you. I merely suggest this primarily because it will be more comfortable for us, but also because Raito likes things that come in threes. If we linked our arms, we could form a triangle of sorts, which I'm sure he would quite appreciate."

"Uh… um…. Well… if you're sure…" Misa hesitantly removed an arm from Raito and even more hesitantly placed it on L's shoulder. L drew her into the embrace. For a second, nothing happened. Then the endorphins kicked in and Raito sighed happily. He pulled L and Misa in impulsively, squeezing them tightly.

"Misa… Lawliet… I love you guys… You're the best friends a poor schmuck like me could ever, ever have…" He was suddenly overwhelmed by emotion and started crying.

"It's all right, Raito!" L and Misa were also overcome by emotion and started crying as well.

Everyone else was confused and a bit frightened.

"Wh-what's wrong with them!" Higuchi shouted nervously.

"It's-" Watari started to explain, but he was cut off by the sudden screams of the non-Raito/L/Misa people.

"Oh… Sorry about that." Near was one of the first to recover. "You see, we all just kind of forgot that you were here too."

"That's quite all right… The narrator forgets about me a lot, you see, since she doesn't really understand my character and since I'm not nearly as exciting as the rest of you young folks," the long-suffering Watari sighed.

The narrator would like to take this moment to formally apologize to Watari in the only way she knows how.

A large, fluffy pink hat appeared on Watari's head. He pretended not to notice and finished explaining what was wrong with Raito, L, and Misa, but mostly Raito. "It's like what is known as 'Runner's High' in the, er, running world. This phenomenon deals with the exposure to and liking of triangles, and is tentatively titled 'triangulator's high."

"Oh, I see," the others said, but they didn't really.

Eventually, Raito and Misa and L recovered, and then they moved on to a new topic, which was not in fact a new topic but an old topic that had almost been forgotten about with all of the many distractions… and that topic was Why We Are Here In The Line! But that topic was destined to be interrupted again, by a change of perspective to everyone's favorite, Jun'ichi Sakamaru!

* * *

Jun-chan was skipping happily down a road, singing a joyful tune. "La, la, la, I'm going to kill Raito-san! La, la, la, then he won't be able to laugh evilly anymore!" he sang. Then he paused dramatically. "Oh, but wait! Us people in this dimension are already dead! So how can I kill him! Wait! Argh!" Jun'ichi wondered what to do. He sat on the side of the road and thought. He walked into a nearby bakery and bought a delicious danish. (Please note that it was in fact a danish and not a Dane-Ish or even a Dan Nash.) He walked out of the bakery and ate the danish. Then he sat back down on the side of the road and continued thinking. Eventually, he decided what he had to do.

"Maiko-samaaaaaaaaaaa!!" Jun'ichi took off running and did not stop until he was back in the castle.

"Jun-chan, what's wrong?" Doris asked as he ran up to her desk.

"Miki-chan, it's horrible! The Grand Lord sent me on a big important assignment, you know, but I dunno how to kill those people!" Jun-chan looked up at her with dark, moist eyes. "Miki, you gotta let me in to see Maiko-sama! I can't let him down!"

Doris was a bit of a sucker for puppy dog eyes. "Well, er… I suppose… Naoki Yuiren is reporting right now on the progress of Grand City, but after he finishes, you might be able to sneak in before coffee break. They have that time scheduled for 'interruptible banter,' so I believe it will be all right… But please be careful not to go over into Coffee Break time. There are donuts in the staff lounge, and they have been acting quite ravenous ever since they learned that."

Just then, a red-haired man with yellow, wolf-like eyes stepped out of the chamber. "Right, I'm done in there, 'tsuki. Hopefully I won't be back for a while."

"Why do you say that, Naoki-san?" Doris asked carefully.

"Because whenever I go in there, I can't see a damn thing, and when I try to make my reports, Hiro'n'Yamato always start fighting while Maiko just sits there and makes stupid comments every once in a while."

"Naoki-san!" Doris gasped, appalled.

"Oh, 'scuse me, I meant Hiro-_san_'n'Yamato-_san_ always start fighting while Maiko-_sama_ just sits there and makes stupid comments every once in a while," Naoki sneered. "Plus I always have to dress up in this stupid suit." He pulled off his jacket and tie and threw them to the ground distastefully. "Well, back to the city, then. See you, 'tsuki." Naoki left, leaping onto a huge black horse that Jun'ichi hadn't noticed in his mad rush to get into the castle and explain his predicament.

Doris sighed. "Well, Sakamaru-san, you may go in now."

"Awww, thanks, Miki-chan! You're the best!" Jun'ichi kissed Doris on the cheek before running in to confront Maiko and co.

Doris flushed red and adjusted her glasses. "D-don't call me Miki-chan! My name's Mitsuki… I mean, Doris!" Then she smiled. But only slightly.

Jun'ichi ran into the room after checking his watch. He had only five minutes before coffee break, so he had to hurry!

"Oh, well… your mom!" Yamato was saying.

"Yamato… My mother is dead. Show some skill, man," Hiro said, sounding depressed and offended.

"Have some class. Surely you wouldn't stoop so low as to insult a man's dead mother, and so recently taken from him, too," Maiko said, disapprovingly. He petted Hiro on the head. "There there, Hi-tan. It's okay, okay… I'm sure he didn't really mean it…"

"Oh, er, I didn't know. I'm very sorry to hear that," Yamato said abashedly.

"Ahem, I hate to interrupt this banter, but I… Maiko-samaaaaa! I dunno-I dunno how to kill them! I mean… they're a-already d-dead!" Jun'ichi sobbed, running out of the spotlight and next to Maiko, who started petting him as well. Yamato felt left out. He also felt like he might have just missed something potentially important to his argument.

Maiko frowned. "Well, Jun-chan, you just have to use your dimensional sword powers to get them dead-ish, and once they're weak enough, you just have to open up a rift-ish thing and they fall into it and go someplace else that doesn't matter because obviously we're here and they're not anymore!" He stopped petting Hiro, who pouted, and picked up Jun'ichi's sword. A yellow-ish light appeared, illuminating a well-manicured hand and a few strands of thick black hair, and a spark jumped into the sword's hilt. "There you go, Jun! All better and ready to kill a Raito!"

"Thank you, Grand Lord." Jun'ichi let himself be petted one more time before he left. And with 20 seconds to spare, even!

Yamato had finally figured it out. "Aha! Your mother's been dead for centuries, you idiot! And we're even dead too! You're _still_ not over it, you wimp?"

Hiro was enjoying having Grand Lord Maiko pet him again. "No, you fool. And you were the one who fell for it…"

"Yeah, I wondered when you were going to remember that," Maiko said. "Sometimes, Yama-chan, I just don't think you're very smart…"

"That's a bit of an understatement… Hey, why'd you-"

"Shhhhh…" Maiko had stopped stroking Hiro's dark hair and was staring fixedly at a clock on the wall that just so happened to glow in the dark. "3…2…1… COFFEE BREAK!"

* * *

"So, we're going to figure out where some people came from and why they're here, right?" L recapped for the convenience of those who had been focusing on the exploits of Jun'ichi.

"Yeah!"

"Well, seeing as how we recently remembered my existence, I feel we ought to start with my story," Watari began.

"Yeah! Why are you here, Watari? I mean, you're even less of a Kira than I was!" L said.

"Yeah, less than I was too," said Raito but as he was Kira in the first place this was a fairly pointless remark and so everyone else ignored it.

"Well, I died."

"That's how all good stories start," Mello reckoned. You see, he quite enjoyed death when it wasn't him or his bestest buddy Matt that was doing the dying.

"I ended up in heaven and walked around for a while. Then I saw Ryuuzaki and Ms. Misora, and I hastened to greet them. Naomi-san was just walking back up to him and an angel when he suddenly disappeared. When I finally arrived, Naomi explained her version of what had just happened. She left out the result, for she apparently had not been there to see it. So when I challenged Mr. Sam to a game of Rock Paper Scissors, I asked him to take me to Ryuuzaki should I win, and to incur the same penalty of moving down a level should I happen to lose. Naturally, I won, being a world-championship caliber player, using my patented 'double-rock-triple-paper' method. Of course, it didn't really matter in the end, since I wound up in the same location…"

"Ah…" Everyone was excited by this tale of woe.

"I didn't know you were a Rock Paper Scissors champion, Watari," L said, sad that he was uninformed about something so _clearly_ important.

"I knew that…" Raito scoffed patronizingly.

"H-how could you know something like that?" L asked surprisedly.

"Well, I read the obituary, of course. We all did."

"Well, excuse me for being _dead_, Raito-kun."

"You're excused." This time, it was L who threw the first punch. Except it was a kick. Raito flew across the room and hit a wall.

"Raito you big meany meany jerk! I hate you! Being killed isn't exactly something you can just get over and you killed me! And then you think you can joke about it? You're so insensitive! How could I ever think of you as a friend! How could I ever think I liked you –no, loved you! You backstabbing bastard!" L continued kicking Raito. Everyone was a bit confused as to why L had chosen this moment to go insanely out of character.

They would have to wait a bit to find out. Raito got up and decided to strike back. "Oh yeah, and what's with you all of a sudden? You said you forgave me! You said it a couple times! And now you can't get over it? Well, as you would say, Ryuuzaki, once is once!" He slammed L against the wall and hit him hard, splitting his lip open.

It healed quickly, and L was left to lick away a mass of congealed blood. He spat at Raito. "Get off me. Get the hell away from me. I hate you."

"Don't give me that bullshit. You don't hate me. You like me a hell of a lot, and I'll thank you to remember that. After all, I let you do a few things to me back in the day, and if you've decided that you hate me now, I feel I should be able to do something to you too…"

"Dammit, no! You can't do that! Let go of me, Raito! Let go!"

"No, _Lawliet_, I can't do that." Raito leaned in close, meeting L's belligerent glare with a self-confident smirk of his own. "It's your own saying. 'Once is once.' If you're going to fuck with me, I'm going to fuck you right back." He crushed his lips against L's, forcing his way into an unyielding mouth. He pinned L's arms down, curtailing any further struggle, wanting instead to focus on causing as much pain and pleasure as possible to him.

All of a sudden, a change came over L. He tensed slightly before relaxing completely. This only made Raito press forward, grinding into him. L's fingers twitched in Raito's tight grasp, and he released them, content in the knowledge that he could use his own hands in a far better manner. L's arms settled at the base of Raito's neck, tugging him still deeper into the suddenly responsive kiss.

And then Raito snapped out of it as well. He gradually let go of L, backing away very slowly. At long last, he spoke. "Wait… what were we… What was I just doing to you?"

"I'm not entirely sure… but, uh, it felt sort of nice…"

"…"

"…"

"Um, well, then, you wouldn't, er, happen to know why I have my hand down your pants, would you?"

"No idea whatsoever."

"Oh, uh, right… I'll just… take that out, then."

"…"

"…"

Raye was the first to regain the power of speech. "Um, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say… what the hell just happened here?"

The all-knowing Watari spoke after a suitable moment of silence. "I believe that was what you could consider the 'low' following the high achieved by triangulation… You see, it is much less natural than what you achieve from running, so there are some nasty side effects… In Britain, we know this phenomenon as 'mad triangulator disease.'"

"Oh."

"It is characterized primarily by extreme aggression and an overactive sex drive."

"Ohhhhhh…"

"But why wasn't Misa affected?" Raye asked intelligently, which happened less often than you might think.

"Obviously, she has much more self-control than either of the boys."

"Oh. Obviously."

There was silence for a few seconds. "Well, this is a bit awkward… um, so…. Matt, why are you here in this Line?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Everyone else shook their heads. "Oh. Well, to put it simply, I never did anything at all with my life. Nothing good. Nothing bad. I just sat in my room playing video games. So I ended up here."

"Oh. I see." As usual, they didn't really, but thought it best just to pretend that they did.

"Yeah. I'm just that badass."

* * *

"La, la, la, I've got a shiny spikety sword! La, la, la, now I can kill scary Raito!" Jun'ichi sang, skipping forward along the road. He pulled out a handy tracking device that showed Raito's location. He wasn't exactly sure when Grand Lord Maiko and the others had had time to put it on him, but it was there all the same.

"BEEP…BEEP…BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP!!" The radar/tracking device started beeping crazily. "Aha! So he must be close!" Jun'ichi threw the device on the ground and rushed into the nearest building. He drew his curved blade and stabbed Yagami Raito through the heart.

* * *

Xiana: How's that for a cliffhanger of sorts? That's right! Wow, I thought this was actually a pretty funny chapter. And something happened for once! Whoa'z. So now you know why everyone ended up there, you get a nice yaoi-ish scene if you're into that sort of thing, and, er… yeah, that was pretty much it. Yay for Jun'ichi! Probably it seems to be pretty well edited but as it's me expect a mistake or two somewhere up there.

I don't want to be the kind of person that shamelessly begs for reviews, although I usually am, but I would like some feedback. Please, children. Share your wisdom. Tell me why you don't love me anymore. And REVIEW.


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